The World of Wheels

I Have a New Blog

2010-09-23T16:40:00.002-05:00

I have a new blog.

(History in the Making) I’m Quoting Captivating on My Blog: Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 24, 2010--The Great Stories

2010-04-06T19:01:00.001-05:00

Editor's Note: When Captivating first came out I was a college freshman. I have always been curious about the world of women, and so being that I was a huge John Eldredge fan, I read an excerpt provided by amazon.com. Although I'm sure based on Eldredge's other work that its message exists well within Biblical theology I finished the excerpt feeling like the kid who was too short to ride a roller coaster. I decided not to read anymore. Likewise, when my daily John Eldredge e-mail feed selected sections from Captivating, I would lackadaisically skim them and assume they had very little for me as a dude. That is, until I read the quotation I'm sharing with you today. Eldredge's always does such a good job describing desire. He nails it here. I'm still opposed to being a family man, but there is no doubt this stuff would be the sweetest parts of that life if I felt differently.

The Great Stories

Every man wants a battle to fight. It's the whole thing with boys and weapons.

And look at the movies men love—Braveheart, Gladiator, Top Gun, High Noon, Saving Private Ryan. Men are made for battle. (And ladies, don't you love the heroes of those movies? You might not want to fight in a war, but don't you long for a man who will fight for you? To have Daniel Day Lewis look you in the eyes and say, "No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you"? Women don't fear a man's strength if he is a good man.)

Men also long for adventure. Adventure is a deeply spiritual longing in the heart of every man. Adventure requires something of us, puts us to the test. Though we may fear the test, at the same time we yearn to be tested, to discover that we have what it takes.

Finally, every man longs for a Beauty to rescue. He really does. Where would Robin Hood be without Marian, or King Arthur without Guinevere? Lonely men fighting lonely battles. You see, it's not just that a man needs a battle to fight. He needs someone to fight for. There is nothing that inspires a man to courage so much as the woman he loves. Most of the daring (and okay, sometimes ridiculous) things young men do are to impress the girls. Men go to war carrying photos of their sweethearts in their wallets—that is a metaphor of this deeper longing to fight for the Beauty. This is not to say that a woman is a "helpless creature" who can't live her life without a man. I'm saying that men long to offer their strength on behalf of a woman.

Now—can you see how the desires of a man's heart and the desires of a woman's heart were at least meant to fit beautifully together? A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man; it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero.

(Captivating , 17–18)

Again John Piper Shows Humility and Courage

2010-03-28T20:53:00.001-05:00

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2010/4555_John_Pipers_Upcoming_Leave/

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 22, 2010--Think Mythically

2010-03-22T15:16:00.001-05:00

Think Mythically

You will not think clearly about your life until you think mythically. Until you see with the eyes of your heart.

About halfway through their journey—following a great deal of hardship and facing a good deal more—Frodo's devoted friend and servant, Sam Gamgee, wonders out loud: "I wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?" Sam is at that moment thinking mythically. He is wondering in the right way. His question assumes that there is a story; there is something larger going on. He also assumes that they have somehow tumbled into it; been swept up into it. This is exactly what we've lost. Things happen to you. The car breaks down, you have a fight with your spouse, or you suddenly figure out how to fix a problem at work. What is really happening? David Whyte says that we live our lives under a pale sky, "the lost sense that we play out our lives as part of a greater story."

What sort of tale have I fallen into? is a question that would help us all a great deal if we wondered it for ourselves. After my friend Julie saw The Fellowship of the Ring, she turned to the girl with her and whispered, "We've just gotten a clearer view of reality than we usually see." Yes—that's the kind of "seeing" we need; that is our reality. What grabbed me was the theatrical trailer for the film. In a brilliantly crafted three-minute summary, the preview captures the essential mythic elements of the story. As scene after scene races before the eyes of the viewer, and a narrator describes the tale, these lines cross the screen:

Fate has chosen him.
A Fellowship will protect him.
Evil will hunt him.

(Waking the Dead , 34–35)

Donald Miller’s Blog: Nella’s Beautiful Story

2010-03-22T03:11:00.001-05:00

http://donmilleris.com/2010/03/21/nellas-beautiful-story/

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 20, 2010--The Weight of Your Glory

2010-03-20T18:07:00.001-05:00

The Weight of Your Glory

Every mythic story shouts to us that in this desperate hour we have a crucial role to play. This is an Eternal Truth, and it happens to be the one we most desperately need if we are ever to understand our days. For most of his life, Neo sees himself only as Thomas Anderson, a computer programmer for a large software corporation. As the drama really begins to heat up and the enemy hunts him down, he says to himself, "This is insane. Why is this happening to me? What did I do? I'm nobody. I didn't do anything." A very dangerous conviction . . . though one shared by most of you, my readers. What he later comes to realize—and not a moment too soon—is that he is "the One" who will break the power of the Matrix.

Frodo, the little Halfling from the Shire, young and naive in so many ways, "the most unlikely person imaginable," is the Ring Bearer. He, too, must learn through dangerous paths and fierce battles that a task has been appointed to him, and if he does not find a way, no one will. Dorothy is just a farm girl from Kansas, who stumbled into Oz not because she was looking for adventure but because someone had hurt her feelings and she decided to run away from home. Yet she's the one to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West. Joan of Arc was also a farm girl, illiterate, the youngest in her family, when she received her first vision from God. Just about everyone doubted her; the commander of the French army said she should be taken home and given a good whipping. Yet she ends up leading the armies in war.

You see this throughout Scripture: a little boy will slay the giant; a loudmouthed fisherman who can't hold down a job will lead the church; and a whore with a golden heart is the one to perform the deed that Jesus asked us all to tell "wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world" (Mark 14:9). Things are not what they seem. We are not what we seem.

(Waking the Dead , 32–33)

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 18, 2010--We Are At War

2010-03-18T17:13:00.001-05:00

We Are at War

The Second Eternal Truth brought to us comes like a broken message over the radio or an urgent e-mail from a distant country telling us that some great struggle or quest or battle is well under way. May even be hanging in the balance. When the four children stumble into Narnia, the country and all its lovely creatures are imprisoned under the spell of the White Witch and have been for a hundred years. In another story, Jack and his mother are starving and must sell their only cow. Frodo barely makes it out of the Shire with his life and the ring of power. In the nick of time he learns that Bilbo's magic ring is the One Ring, that Sauron has discovered its whereabouts, and that the Nine Black Riders are already across the borders searching for the little hobbit with deadly intent. The future of Middle Earth hangs on a thread.

Again, this is exactly what the Scriptures have been trying to wake us up to for years. "Wake up, O sleeper . . . Be very careful, then, how you live . . . because the days are evil" (Eph. 5:14–16). Or as The Message has it: "So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times!" Christianity isn't a religion about going to Sunday school, potluck suppers, being nice, holding car washes, sending our secondhand clothes off to Mexico. This is a world at war. Something large and immensely dangerous is unfolding all around us, we are caught up in it, and above all we doubt we have been given a key role to play. Do you think I'm being too dramatic?

(Waking the Dead , 29–30)

St. Patrick’s Daily Prayer

2010-03-17T21:31:00.001-05:00

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through belief in the threeness,

Through confession of the oneness

Of the Creator of creation.

I arise today

Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism,

Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,

Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,

Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today

Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,

In obedience of angels,

In the service of archangels,

In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,

In prayers of patriarchs,

In predictions of prophets,

In preaching of apostles,

In faith of confessors,

In innocence of holy virgins,

In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today

Through God's strength to pilot me:

God's might to uphold me,

God's wisdom to guide me,

God's eye to look before me,

God's ear to hear me,

God's word to speak for me,

God's hand to guard me,

God's way to lie before me,

God's shield to protect me,

God's host to save me

From snares of devils,

From temptations of vices,

From everyone who shall wish me ill,

Afar and anear,

Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,

Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,

Against incantations of false prophets,

Against black laws of pagandom,

Against false laws of heretics,

Against craft of idolatry,

Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,

Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today

Against poison, against burning,

Against drowning, against wounding,

So that there may come to me abundance of reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,

Christ in every eye that sees me,

Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through belief in the threeness,

Through confession of the oneness,

Of the Creator of Creation.

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 16, 2010--What Is Seen Is Temporary, but What Is Unseen Is Eternal

2010-03-16T18:58:00.001-05:00

What Is Seen Is Temporary, but What Is Unseen Is Eternal

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Cor. 4:16–18)

The first line grabs me by the throat. "Therefore we do not lose heart." Somebody knows how not to lose heart? I'm all ears. For we are losing heart. All of us. Daily. It is the single most unifying quality shared by the human race on the planet at this time. We are losing—or we have already lost—heart. That glorious, resilient image of God in us is fading, fading, fading away. And this man claims to know a way out.

So, how, Paul—how? How do we not lose heart?

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. (2 Cor. 4:18)

What? I let out a sigh of disappointment. Now that's helpful. "Look at what you cannot see." That sounds like Eastern mysticism, that sort of wispy wisdom dripping in spirituality but completely inapplicable to our lives. Life is an illusion. Look at what you cannot see. What can this mean? Remembering that a little humility can take me a long way, I give it another go. This wise old seer is saying that there is a way of looking at life, and that those who discover it are able to live from the heart no matter what. How do we do this? By seeing with the eyes of the heart. Later in life, writing from prison to some friends he was deeply concerned about, Paul said, "I pray . . . that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened" (Eph. 1:18).

(Waking the Dead , 21–23)

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 15, 2010: You Must Fight For Your Life

2010-03-15T17:58:00.001-05:00

You Must Fight for Your Life

Until we come to terms with war as the context of our days, we will not understand life. We will misinterpret 90 percent of what is happening around us and to us. It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions toward us are life abundant; it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are just blowing it. Worse, we will begin to accept some really awful things about God. That four-year-old little girl being molested by her daddy— that is "God's will "? That ugly divorce that tore your family apart—God wanted that to happen too? And that plane crash that took the lives of so many—that was ordained by God?

Most people get stuck at some point because God appears to have abandoned them. He is not coming through. Speaking about her life with a mixture of disappointment and cynicism, a young woman recently said to me, "God is rather silent right now." Yes, it's been awful. I don't discount that for a moment. She is unloved; she is unemployed; she is under a lot. But her attitude strikes me as deeply naive, on the level of someone caught in a cross fire who asks, rather shocked and with a sense of betrayal, "God, why won't you make them stop firing at me?" I'm sorry, but that's not where we are right now. It's not where we are in the Story. That day is coming, later, when the lion shall lie down with the lamb and we'll beat swords into plowshares. For now, it's bloody battle.

It sure explains a whole heckuva lot.

You won't understand your life, you won't see clearly what has happened to you or how to live forward from here, unless you see it as battle. A war against your heart.

(Waking the Dead , 17–18)

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 13 & 14, 2010—How Long, O Lord? & A Part Too Large

2010-03-14T17:58:00.001-05:00

"How Long, O Lord?"

When God comes to call Jeremiah to be his prophet of hard sayings to Judah, Jeremiah protests, saying, "'Ah, Sovereign LORD . . . I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.' But the LORD said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a child." You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the LORD" (Jer. 1:6–8).

God is saying that these things will be done through Jeremiah's dependence on his strength and provision, and that he will rescue him. Yet there is something about God's rescues that make them a little less timely than dialing 911. He leaves Abraham with his knife raised and ready to plunge into Isaac's heart, and Isaac waiting for the knife to descend; he leaves Joseph languishing for years in an Egyptian prison; he allows the Israelites to suffer four hundred years of bondage under the Egyptians and leaves those same Israelites backed against the Red Sea with Pharaoh's chariots thundering down on them. He abandons Jesus to the cross and does not rescue him at all. And then there are those of us who, along with the saints under heaven's very altar, are groaning under the weight of things gone wrong, waiting for that same Jesus to return and sweep us up with him in power and glory. "How long, O Lord?" we whisper in our weariness and pain.

Indeed, God calls us to battles where the deck appears stacked in favor of those who are his enemies and ours, just to increase the drama of the play. And there is the clear picture, even from God himself, that he does so to enhance his own glory.

(The Sacred Romance , 55)

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A Part Too Large

The things that have happened to us often suggest that the real script of the play we're all living in is "God is indifferent" rather than "God is love." Deep down in our hearts, in the place where the story is formed, this experience of God as indifferent drives us to write our own scripts. Job apparently lived with this anxiety about God even before his tribulations descended upon him, as evidenced by his exclamation from the ashes of his home and his life: "What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me" (Job 3:25, emphasis added).

Job was a God-fearing man and yet something in him suspected that faith in God did not necessarily translate into peace and safety. Of course, Job had no inkling of the discussion going on in heaven between God and Satan. It was a debate over whether the foundation of God's kingdom was based on genuine love or power. And astonishingly, God was placing the perception of his own integrity as well as the reputation of his whole kingdom on the genuineness of Job's heart. (See Job 1:6–12; 2:1–10.)

Indeed, when we consider how central a part Job was given in the drama God was directing, we are confronted with the reality that we, too, could be in the same position. It seems that the part God has written for us is much too big and certainly too dangerous. Paul confirms this thought in Ephesians when he tells us, "The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence" (1:22–23 The Message). Every human being is of great significance to God, but those whom God has drawn to believe in him are center stage in a drama of cosmic proportions.

(The Sacred Romance , 50, 53)

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 11, 2010: A Nice Guy

2010-03-11T18:14:00.001-06:00

A Nice Guy

And then, alas, there is the church. Christianity, as it currently exists, has done some terrible things to men. When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on the earth to be a good boy. The problem with men, we are told, is that they don't know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children. But, if they will try real hard they can reach the lofty summit of becoming . . . a nice guy. That's what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. We don't smoke, drink, or swear; that's what makes us men. Now let me ask my male readers: In all your boyhood dreams growing up, did you ever dream of becoming a Nice Guy? (Ladies, was the Prince of your dreams dashing . . . or merely nice?)

Really now—do I overstate my case? Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian man? Don't listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You'd have to admit a Christian man is . . . bored. At a recent church retreat I was talking with a guy in his fifties, listening really, about his own journey as a man. "I've pretty much tried for the last twenty years to be a good man as the church defines it." Intrigued, I asked him to say what he thought that was. He paused for a long moment. "Dutiful," he said. "And separated from his heart." A perfect description, I thought. Sadly right on the mark.

(Wild at Heart , 7)

Daily Readings From John Eldredge March 8, 2010: Dismissal and Cynicism

2010-03-08T15:57:00.001-06:00

Something awful has happened, something terrible. Something worse, even, than the fall of man. For in that greatest of all tragedies, we merely lost Paradise—and with it, everything that made life worth living. What has happened since is unthinkable: we've gotten used to it. We're broken in to the idea that this is just the way things are. The people who walk in great darkness have adjusted their eyes. Regardless of our religious or philosophical beliefs, most of us live as though this life is pretty much the way things are supposed to be. We dismiss the whispers of joy with a cynical "Been there, done that." That way we won't have to deal with the Haunting.

I was just talking with some friends about summer vacations, and I recommended that they visit the Tetons. "Oh, yeah, we've been there. Nice place." Dismissal. And we deaden our sorrows with cynicism as well, sporting a bumper sticker that says, "Life sucks. Then you die." Then we try to get on with life. We feed the cat, pay the bills, watch the news, and head off to bed, so we can do it all again tomorrow.

Standing before the open fridge, I'm struck by what I've just watched. Famine in Africa. Genocide . . . where? Someplace I can't even pronounce. Corruption in Washington. Life as usual. It always ends with the anchor folding his notes and offering a pleasant "Good night." Good night? That's it? You have nothing else to say? You've just regaled us with the horrors of the world we live in, and all you can say is "Good night"? Just once I wish he would pause at the close of his report, take a long, deep breath, and then say, "How far we are from home," or "If only we had listened," or "Thank God, our sojourn here is drawing to an end." It never happens. I doubt it ever will. And not one of us gives it a second thought. It's just the way things are.

(Desire , 9–10)

No Original Works Yet, but I May Be on My Way

2010-03-01T00:44:00.002-06:00

It's no secret that I haven't finished writing a piece for my own blog since last August. That's pathetic. I have written a lot of lengthy individual correspondence in that time. I do take some comfort from the fact that many of my favorite authors wrote far more letters than anything else. Somehow that thought loses its beauty when I remember that instead of hand written labors of love, perhaps scribbled by firelight, I am ambushed by a flood of e-mails. In any case I digress into sharing with you some words from writers far more talented than me today's selections are from John Eldredge and Ray Ortlund.

Driven into the Darker Regions of the Soul

I hope you're getting the picture by now. If a man does not find those things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other way. Why is pornography the number one snare for men? He longs for the beauty, but without his fierce and passionate heart he cannot find her or win her or keep her. Though he is powerfully drawn to the woman, he does not know how to fight for her or even that he is to fight for her. Rather, he finds her mostly a mystery that he knows he cannot solve and so at a soul level he keeps his distance. And privately, secretly, he turns to the imitation. What makes pornography so addictive is that more than anything else in a lost man's life, it makes himfeel like a man without ever requiring a thing of him. The less a guy feels like a real man in the presence of a real woman, the more vulnerable he is to porn.

And so a man's heart, driven into the darker regions of the soul, denied the very things he most deeply desires, comes out in darker places. Now, a man's struggles, his wounds and addictions, are a bit more involved than that, but those are the core reasons. As the poet George Herbert warned, "He begins to die, that quits his desires." And you know what? We all know it. Every man knows that something's happened, something's gone wrong . . . we just don't know what it is.

(Wild at Heart , 44)

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Killing Desire May Look Like Sanctification

You may recall the story Jesus told of the man who entrusted three of his servants with thousands of dollars (literally, "talents"), urging them to handle his affairs well while he was away. When he returned, he listened eagerly to their reports. The first two fellows went out into the marketplace and doubled their investment. As a result, they were handsomely rewarded. The third servant was not so fortunate. His gold was taken from him, and he was thrown into "outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." My goodness. Why? All he did was bury the money under the porch until his master's return. Most of us would probably agree with the path he chose—at least the money was safe there. But listen to his reasoning. Speaking to his master, he said, "I know you are a hard man, harvesting crops you didn't plant and gathering crops you didn't cultivate. I was afraid I would lose your money, so I hid it" (see Matt. 25:14–30 NLT). He was afraid of the master, whom he saw as a hard man. He didn't trust his master's heart.

The issue isn't capital gains—it's what we think of God. When we bury our desires, we are saying the same thing: "God, I don't dare desire because I fear you; I think you are hard-hearted."

Even though we may profess at one level a genuine faith in him, at another level we are like the third servant. Our obedience is not so much out of love as it is out of carefulness. "Just tell me what to do, God, and I'll do it." Killing desire may look like sanctification, but it's really godlessness. Literally, our way of handling life without God. The deepest moral issue is always what we, in our heart of hearts, believe about God. And nothing reveals this belief as clearly as what we do with our desire.

(Desire , 57–59)

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A Fear of Passion?

Dare we forget King David? Yes, his passions got him in a heap of trouble—and gave us our book of worship, the Psalms. Sure, Peter was a hotheaded disciple always quick with a reply. Remember in the Garden of Gethsemane—he's the one who lopped off the ear of the high priest's servant. But he was also the first to acknowledge that Jesus was the Messiah, and despite his Good Friday betrayals he became a key apostle, contributed important pieces to the Scripture, and followed Jesus all the way to his own crucifixion, asking to be nailed to the cross upside down because he was not worthy to die in the manner of his Lord. Surely we remember that Paul was once Saul, the fiery young Pharisee "advancing in Judaism beyond many Jews of my own age and . . . extremely zealous for the traditions of my fathers" (Gal. 1:14). His zeal made him the foremost persecutor of the church. When Christ knocked him off his donkey on the Damascus road, Paul was hunting down the church, "uttering threats with every breath" (Acts 9:1 NLT). Christ captured his zeal, and after Damascus it led him to "work harder than all the other apostles" (1 Cor. 15:10 NLT).

Augustine was also a passionate young man, sexually licentious, enamored with the pleasures of Rome, "scratching the sore of lust," as he would call it after Christ got hold of him. He went on to become one of the great pillars of the church, laying the foundation for the rise of Christendom after the fall of Rome. Desire, a burning passion for more, is at the heart of both saints and sinners. Those who would kill the passion altogether would murder the very essence that makes heroes of the faith.

(Desire , 52–53)

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The Ultimate Risk Anyone Ever Takes Is to Love

God's relationship with us and with our world is just that: a relationship. As with every relationship, there's a certain amount of unpredictability, and the ever-present likelihood that you'll get hurt. The ultimate risk anyone ever takes is to love, for as C. S. Lewis says, "Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal." But God does give it, again and again and again, until he is literally bleeding from it all. God's willingness to risk is just astounding—far beyond what any of us would do were we in his position.

Trying to reconcile God's sovereignty and man's free will has stumped the church for ages. We must humbly acknowledge that there's a great deal of mystery involved, but for those aware of the discussion, I am not advocating open theism. Nevertheless, there is definitely something wild in the heart of God.

(Wild at Heart , 32)

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Husband and Wife

"Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33

God made Adam first and put him in the Garden with a job to do, a mission to fulfill. In the heart of every fallen man is the self-doubt that wonders, "Am I man enough to climb this mountain God has called me to? Can I fulfill my destiny?" A wise wife will understand that question at the center of her husband's heart. And she will spend her life answering it, communicating to him in various ways, "Honey, I believe in your call. I know you can do this, by God's power. Go for it." In this way, she will breathe life into her man.

God made Eve from Adam, for Adam, to help him follow the call. In the heart of every fallen woman is the self-doubt that wonders, "Do I please you? Am I what you wanted?" A wise husband will understand that question at the center of his wife's heart. And he will spend his life answering it, communicating to her in various ways, "Darling, you are the one I need. I cherish you. Let me hold you close." In this way, he will breathe life into his wife.

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/rayortlund/2010/02/13/husband-and-wife/

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Hopefully this stuff will stir some creative juices in me, until then thanks for being patient.

Smiling Addiction

2009-12-05T15:18:00.004-06:00

I found this video that Campus Crusade for Christ used when I was in college. It still stirs passion for change in me every time I see it.

It's still really hard for me to see any forms of joy, softness, tenderness, or compassion as genuine because so much of this world is covered in smiling addiction, but that is not an excuse to stop loving. I'm wrestling as always. I promise some longer posts soon. I'm out.

Cool Commercial From Donald Miller

2009-08-27T00:06:00.001-05:00

The Mentoring Project - Elephant Musth Cycle from The Mentoring Project on Vimeo.

A Doc Holliday Doxology

2009-08-14T01:40:00.005-05:00

Dox⋅ol⋅o⋅gy n. [dok-sol-uh-jee] A hymn or form of words containing an ascription of praise to God.

To my loyal readers, if there are any, first let me apologize for the expansive drought between posts. I'm in a bland season. I've found it difficult to be inspired by much for quite some time now. The last time I've felt like I was doing anything crucial to advancing the cause of goodness in the world was in college. I've been graduated over a year now, and I've found the "real world" to be mostly cold and cruel, with a few dramatically contrasting bright spots. It is these bright spots which have sustained in me a resistance to any further advancement of apathy and hopelessness than what has already taken place in my soul. As I was reflecting on the blandness that seems to be permeating everything these days I asked myself the question, what is something that has yet to be touched by the icy grip of complacency? Is there anything that I still feel passionately about?

It is a concrete pattern in my life that my passions will wane. I hate the fact that I'm often a bottle rocket type personality. I glow with fiery intensity before shooting to the heavens only to find myself drifting lackadaisically back to where I came from with little purpose or fanfare. That's why the answer to the question about what passions are left in me came with a familiar, yet still uncomfortable, shock. I have a deep desire to defend goodness from the onslaught of evil that exists in a fallen world. This is both laughable and confusing. It's laughable for two reasons. First, that I would so quickly forget the epic heartbeat which sounds loudly in much of my writing and the stories I love dearly. And secondly, that such a desire even exists in me given my lifestyle should at least cause an embarrassing smirk if not a hardy chuckle. I have never been taken seriously as a source of strength, and that's painful. I know that it's not everybody's destiny to be considered strong, and that strength can have many different appearances. That offers me little consolation, as I can find no genuine appearances of strength within myself or any clue as to what my destiny is. There is only smoke, mirrors and sleight of hand right now. Strength is definitely my favorite magic trick to perform as grasp for real, God-centered competence in this world. There are certainly fools who believe they see untainted strength in me, but as I explore my desire to be a source of strength to the world I am reminded of one of my favorite characters in mythical and historical record, Doc Holliday.

It is totally appropriate to say that I have a bit of a "man crush" on Doc Holliday. His snarky sarcasm, undying loyalty to his friends, commitment to educating himself, propensity to fire his mouth off, and well-documented relationships with prostitutes speaks volumes to both the good and evil I find within myself. Despite his seemingly competent exterior, he spent much of his life hiding the fact that he was dying of tuberculosis. He was frail, vulnerable and increasingly aware throughout his life that he was at the mercy of things outside of his control or influence. Even though I still love Doc Holliday, I'm not convinced he was genuinely strong. Yes, he risked death to battle evil at The OK Corral, and gave cinematic history one of the greatest lines of all time when he uttered "I'm your huckleberry," but is that genuine strength? I think his actions may have had the potential to be genuinely strong if they were done with a sense of serving others or God, and it's certainly possible that they were, but his portrayal in movies like Tombstone and Wyatt Earp seems to suggest he was out for vengeance. The notion of vengeance is really what I'm struggling with right now. Like David, I long to take down the evil giants of this world and be called a man after God's own heart, but I must force myself to ask the question who's glory do I champion?

I got a good picture of what it might look like to champion the glory of a loved one instead of my own glory as I watched two of my married friends interact this weekend. The wife in this particular couple had several instances in her past of men trying to stalk and potentially harm her. I watched with sincere ambivalence as she described her husband as "her favorite bodyguard." There was no mistaking the joy in her eyes as she recalled how safe she feels around him. It was moving and there was goodness there, but my heart sank a little as I knew that I would never offer that to anyone (at least not in that capacity.) The ambivalence and confusion I felt in that moment is not unlike how I approach Micah 6:8:

Micah 6:8 (New International Version)

8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Right there in the text justice and mercy are juxtaposed and the LORD commands his people to act with both. Of course the details of how and when those ideals interact are found first and foremost in dependence on the Holy Spirit, but I believe there is some wisdom and clarity in watching how the wise handle tough issues. Take for example this clip from Matt Chandler:

Notice how his words may seem harsh and wrathful, but only a fool would say they are not spoken in love? This is a kind of genuine strength, and I pray God teaches me this particular art form some day.

I almost never get through a blog post without using material from, or at least thinking about, John Piper. I cannot think about the balance between justice and mercy without recalling this video.

Notice how despite the potentially volatile nature of the subject of abortion Piper is able to clearly defend what he believes to be a just cause while still remaining compassionate? I sit here in awe as I type this. I'm compelled to praise God for unleashing such a marvelous ability on the world.

As I reflect on this stuff it makes me think of the men I'm trying to influence. Am I helping to shape and form men who can tap the veins of both tenderness and holiness? Do these men weep for the oppressed before giving their lives to passionately fighting oppression with Godly tenacity? Am I producing Doc Holliday-like men or David-like men (which category describes me as a leader?) The answers to these questions make me uncomfortable. As I sit with my discomfort, I'm reminded of another resource I ran across this week. Put simply, it's a list of Biblical qualifications for Church leadership. Here is the list in short:

above reproach
husband of one wife
sober-minded
self-controlled
respectable
hospitable
able to teach
not a drunkard
not violent but gentle
not quarrelsome
not a lover of money
manage his household well
not a recent convert
well thought of by outsiders
dignified
not double-tongued
faithful

Each of these directives is a kick to the heart as cannot say any of them confidently describes me. But maybe that's the biggest clue I have as to how to go about balancing justice and mercy in my life. I need only to remember how much more mercy Christ shows me than anything else. This is where this thing becomes a true doxology, because that can only cause me to praise God – nothing more, nothing less.

I REALLY Like This Video

2009-08-08T18:41:00.002-05:00

Untitled from Roy Moran on Vimeo.

Blue Collar Intellectuals

2009-06-18T22:35:00.001-05:00

The purpose of this essay is to answer the question why would I pursue a graduate level education from the University of Kansas in the field of Religious Studies? My answer is simply it's the best way for me to serve humanity. In fact, it is the serving of humanity which is often missing from academia in my experience, and that is what I most passionately hope to combat. I believe that a spirit of servitude is what made the university so attractive to the various cultures which have adopted its model of formal education. Sadly, the decay of this spirit seems to be wide spread. Humanity's health depends on its brightest minds and most passionate hearts working to salvage the mission of higher education, most notably the creation and dissemination of ideas which inspire positive change in the communities they serve. Only then will intellectual enlightenment have any lasting value beyond the comforts created my momentary genius and invention in its many forms.

Although a passion to serve humanity may be considered noble by some and useless idealism by others, a question in the heart of my vision remains how does someone serve humanity by studying religion? There are many who say the study of religion does not serve humanity at all. They come to the conclusion that the spiritual traditions of ancient peoples should be left in our communal consciousness like an embarrassing memory. What that conclusion assumes however, is that religion has been adequately analyzed and found to have no value. I reject that notion on several grounds. I believe that the lessons of faith still have something contribute to society. But if indeed the critics of faith prove to be correct and the study of spirituality ceases, who will be left to explain why it was put to death and warn future generations of its foolishness other than those whose study of faith caused its execution?

It would be appropriate then to come to see the student of religion as a kind of guardian, a guardian not of something tangible like a castle or child, but rather a guardian in the realm of ideas. I hope to become such a person safeguarding the power of spirituality to bring about virtue or create vice in whatever tradition. The education I hope to receive I trust will continue to prepare me for such a calling. However, the study of religion goes far beyond the accumulation and safekeeping of information pertaining to the various practices of faith throughout human history. That information must be passed on to future guardians, as well as to the humanity as a whole if it is going to have any influence in shaping a virtuous culture.

I've already discussed how there exists large walls between much of academia and the masses. What is value of these walls, except to supply momentary instances of condescending accolades? If academia continues its gluttonous agoraphobia then the truths arrived at via academic study will never improve the human condition. Many past alumni of the Religious Studies Department have undoubtedly obtained positions teaching their craft. I suspect that this may also be the case for me. If so, I hope to facilitate a classroom experience which emphasizes a commitment to the pursuit of all truths beginning with an intellectual understanding of them, but never fearing to apply them ferociously to the communal relationships that must be in place if an impact on humanity is the goal. To put it bluntly, I hope that both my future students and I come to be known as blue collar intellectuals. The most blatant factor in the cause of academia's departure from everyday society is by in large the loss of its spiritual consciousness. Across the world people of all walks of life have varying views of spirituality. At the university spirituality is relegated to a few departments and personal expressions of faith at best. I don't know if this is true of The University of Kansas or not. I only know that if that is at all close to the case, positive change must happen from the inside out. My hope is to create a culture of people who are unafraid to do anything to make the world a better place. That could mean that a professor plunges a toilet before his lecture or a dean feeds a homeless man on her way to work, not because they have to, but because they realize it's the right thing to do.

At this point the question becomes what concentrations or areas of emphasis help me begin to establish the intricacies of this vision while I'm at The University of Kansas. Among my choices I believe an understanding of religious ethics is crucial, and it is the only concentration I've definitely arrived at studying. Simply because every person regardless of their own beliefs makes ethically relevant choices, and those specific to religion often shape the rest of that person's ethical framework. Also, I must consider the culture I live in. I am an American. The voice of religious expression here is often flavored by the Judeo-Christian perspective. It is also clear that there is value in coming to understand the Islamic perspective considering the religious tension between much of the Western and Middle Eastern countries. That means that concentrations pertaining to the Western traditions are also possible.

I am looking forward to potentially studying religion at the University of Kansas. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Is English The World’s Global Language?

2009-05-26T16:30:00.002-05:00

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/lang/eng/jay_walker_on_the_world_s_english_mania.html

The Question(s) at the Center of My Spiritual Life Right Now Are…

2009-05-13T16:06:00.001-05:00

How does someone effectively live in the tension between being available for emotional experiences which glorify God and resisting moods which lead to sin?
How does someone practice self-denial (servanthood) without succumbing to stoicism?
How does someone remain emotionally invested in the things of this world with the realization his feelings often lie to him?
Maybe the simplest version of this question is how do you deny yourself and still hope for anything?

Powerful Lyrics That Are Stuck in My Head at the Moment

2009-04-29T16:32:00.001-05:00

JARS OF CLAY - Boys (Lesson One)

Lesson One: Do not hide
Lesson Two: There are right ways to fight
And if you have questions
We can talk through the night

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
It's too far to walk
But you don't have to run
You'll get there in time

Lesson Three: You're not alone
Not since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run, this
Will still be your home

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I've been where you're going
And it's not that far
It's too far to walk
But you don't have to run
You'll get there in time
Get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to
Wish that you were young
When good things are unraveling,
Bad things come undone
You weather love and lose your innocence

There will be liars and
Thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence
But you are not what you do
And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

If you weather love and lose your innocence
Just remember lesson one

What Would Joel Osteen Do?

2009-04-20T16:11:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure I agree with the intensity of this tract from John Piper, and I certainly wouldn't use it without some explanation. However, it does cause the viewer to question how suffering and the Bible coexist. Eat your heart out Joel.

Mark 8:34-36:

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his soul?

The Philosophical Implications of War

2009-04-16T12:51:00.001-05:00

I'm absolutely obsessed with www.ted.com. It's a website that specifically host lectures from today's top innovators in a wide variety of fields. Occasionally they will even feature philosophers, but more so the entire forum exists to discuss the implications that their innovations are having on humanity. Therefore each lecture has at least a loose tie to a philosophical subject. Toward the middle and end of this clip the philosophical implications of war are discussed at length and I'm sure you will enjoy it. So I thought I would share.

PW Singer on military robots and the future of war | Video on TED.com

I Stole This From Charles Swindoll Today

2009-04-15T14:38:00.002-05:00

A number of years ago, on Valentine's Day, a couple was enjoying a romantic drive along a wooded section near Belle Chasse, Louisiana. Something white, shimmering in the trees, caught their eyes. Their investigation led them to a dead teenager hanging from a limb, a white bedsheet knotted tightly around his neck. A farewell note, laced with despair, was near the trunk of the tree. It was addressed simply to "Mom and Dad."I never did develop into a real person and I cannot tolerate the false and empty existence I have created. . . . What frustrated me most in the last year was that I had built no ties to family or friends. There was nothing of lasting worth and value. I led a detached existence. . . . I am a bomb of frustration and should never marry or have children. It is safest to defuse the bomb harmlessly now
Authorities circulated the youth's description and fingerprints to police across the country. He was later buried---unidentified and unclaimed.
Grim and gripping though they are, such scenes and words are not that unusual. Our nervous age seems on trial for its life, and the fuse on the powder keg is becoming shorter by the day! Contrary to popular opinion, people who threaten suicide often mean it. The old myth "those who talk don't jump" is dangerously false. Threats should be taken seriously.
Suicide, the ultimate rejection of one's self, plays no favorites and knows no limit. In my files and memory are unforgettable cases that span the extremes: a successful banker, a disillusioned divorcée, a runaway, the son of a missionary, a mother of three, a wealthy cartoonist, a professional musician, several collegians, a Marine, a retired grandfather, a medical doctor, a middle-aged playboy, a brilliant accountant, a growing number of teens who were in junior and senior high schools. These individuals struggled with feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, insecurity, a lack of hope, intense perfectionism, alienation from meaningful relationships, and a tragic sense of feeling unloved and unlovely.In all of this darkness, there is one beacon of light. People considering suicide usually want to be rescued. They leave clues that read, "Help me!" They drop hints, consciously or unconsciously, that announce their intentions. Sensitive, concerned observers ought to be alert to the signals. Here are a few: (1) talk about suicide; (2) a sudden change in personality; (3) deep depression; (4) physical symptoms---sleeplessness, loss of appetite, decreased sexual drive, drastic weight loss, repeated exhaustion; (5) actual attempts; and (6) crisis situations---death of a loved one, failure at school, loss of a job, marital or home problems, and a lengthy or terminal illness. These, of course, are not "sure signs," but anyone that seems unusually suspicious warrants your time and offer of help. Occasionally, all that is needed is someone to step in and be a friend . . . a listening ear . . . a support to lean on . . . a shelter in the time of storm. That's genuine Body life! That's Romans 15:1 in action:
We who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of those without strength.Certainly you should contact your physician or ask advice from your local suicide prevention hotline if you become reasonably concerned. A close friend, a professional counselor, a church officer, or a pastor might also be of valuable assistance. Don't hesitate to seek advice. The need is urgent . . . and always great. During the time it took you to read this, numbers of people in America attempted to end their lives.

Copyright © 1985, 1994 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission.

How Thinking About Werewolves and Lebron James Caused Me to Worship Jesus

2009-04-12T23:16:00.007-05:00

I’ve had a lot of very good deep conversations over that past few days, and reflecting on them brings to mind two things: the Apostle Paul and werewolves. I’m really weird, but bare with me. I can’t help but be reminded of Paul’s words when I think about my spiritual life currently:
2 Corinthians 5:16-17 (New Living Translation)
So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

But even Paul realized that the coming of new life did not eliminate temptation, sin, and the need for grace in a Christian. That’s why he writes about himself saying:
Romans 7:14-28 (The Message)
I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but I am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

This might be my favorite piece of scripture all-time. If it weren’t in there I think I would have given up on Jesus along time ago. But Paul, writer of the majority of the New Testament, struggled with habitual sin and self-hatred, and so do I. When you get to this part in my favorite Bible the pages are discolored and worn from use. I can think of no better comparison to what Paul is talking about here that that of the werewolves of European mythology, and horror movie fame.

I must painfully admit however that my frame of reference when thinking about werewolves comes largely from the fictional character Remus “Moony” Lupin of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. (I don’t know much about the books. I’ve only seen a few of the movies. They were moderately entertaining, but not worth billions of dollars of hype and hysteria.) However, Lupin’s character was worth the ticket price. He’s always stuck with me. I think it’s because he’s hired to teach young wizards how to defend themselves against the evils they faced. That’s what I try to do as I explore what it looks like to educate Christians to defend themselves against the messages of evil which oppose our faith intellectually. It is important to distinguish here that I don’t find the messengers who oppose Christianity to be evil in and of themselves. Many of my dearest friends are dramatically opposed to Christianity. However I do find the content of any message attempting to destroy Christianity to be an instrument of evil. This is why I find myself identifying with what J.K. Rowling referred to as Defense Against the Dark Arts. It seems to draw a real-world comparison to the work of Christian apologists. This is especially true of Lupin, who is skilled at defending good while defeating evil and is well-liked for most of the film. But that ceases when it’s discovered that he is a werewolf, who sporadically loses control of himself and becomes a hideous, violent monster endangering all that is good in the film. Oh, how I find myself living out this fictional scenario with regard to the power of evil in my life. Lupin’s response is withdrawal as he resigns his teaching post in fear of the damage he’ll cause. I find myself there too. The existence of my own werewolf was made abundantly clear this past Saturday as I watched Lebron James do this:

White-hot rage struck me as I watched such a feat of athletic excellence. Even a spiritual novice like me knows to investigate such an odd reaction to something so beautiful and pure on the surface. What’s happening inside? It didn’t take much digging to find my sinful werewolf growling inside:
Why can’t I do that? What would it be like to have that much competence and confidence? I can’t even walk, let alone drive a car or take care of care of myself in even the smallest of ways. Ultimately, you’re unfair and cruel God.

Oh shit. If the Bible is true all of those thoughts are false. Once again I need Jesus to save me from myself. Here’s how he came through. In my funk I fell asleep. Not because I was necessarily tried, but because it’s easier than feeling pain. I awoke with guilt inside. Father, my life is virtually meaningless. Outside of hanging out with high school students occasionally, I am a mooch. Not only am I ungrateful that you allow me to be a parasite in your world, but you continue to give me grace as I piss life away and revile in the comforts you provide. You allow so many of your children to put up with me as wrestle with desires to prove myself worthy to you and to them. You even went so far as to die and resurrect yourself for me. Why am I worth so much to you? I desperately long to be believed in, but there is nothing here that won’t crumble at a moment’s notice. Why don’t you hate me as much as I hate myself? What am I missing Father?
The one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. (1 John 4:4 NIV)
Now I have some more questions. Why does it often seem as if I am overpowered by sin? How do I develop an intimate knowledge of evil for the purposes of combating it, while not succumbing to it? Is that even what you desire? Maybe most of all, I wonder how does the perfection of scripture encompass the varying ideas presented in Romans 7 and 1 John 4? Surely grace is central, but how do I engage temptation in a way that glorifies you?
Father, I have no answers. Thanks for being who you are in my confusion. Thank you for the gifts of Scripture and theology. You use them so often to save me from myself. I’m sorry I doubt their power and worth so often. All I know right now is that you’re the only one who can silence and combat the lurking impulses within me. I ask you once again fight courageously on my behalf.

Debaters Post Their Reactions to The Resurrection Debate at Northwest Missouri State University

2009-04-07T15:49:00.001-05:00

William Lane Craig's thoughts can be found at:

http://www.reasonablefaith.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=7015#carrier

Richard Carrier's thoughts can be found at:

http://richardcarrier.blogspot.com/2009/03/craig-debate-wrap.html

Audio of the debate

http://www.xanga.com/carriervcraig/audio/4443f3379283/

Video of the debate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqoRVplbW5Q

The Imposter Letter

2009-03-24T00:14:00.002-05:00

An exercise from Brennan Manning's Abba's Child prepared for my Freshman Experience group at Shoal Creek Community Church

My Imposter …

Feels it necessary to make sure everyone is comfortable with him
Tries to make sure that no one knows how incredibly hurt he is most of the time
Never engages in things he feels will expose him as incompetent
Is often seen as timid when forced out of his sphere of manageability
Uses that timid exterior to disguise the fact he is not humble at all, instead he's full of pride
Secretly holds to the belief that competency is how love is won, even though Jesus taught intimacy is found in complete brokenness
Will often rely on speaking over people head's in order to deflect any conversation about internal turmoil in his life
Is convinced no one will accept the dark, cynical, pessimistic person he knows his true self to be
Never allows himself to have emotional experiences because he still sees them as acts of weakness, and he is already painfully exposed as weak and out of control most of the time. Emotions are one of the few things he can control in his life
Has multitudes of women believing he's one of the "good guys" and fully trusting him to behave accordingly, when in his heart that couldn't be further from the truth
Tells people not to believe in him because he can't bring his true self to believe in anything but pain and failure, even though he desperately wants to be the kind of man people trust to perform under pressure
Would never admit that he wants to be significant, and isn't at all, except in God's eyes
Has never had a completely righteous thought, or done anything with completely righteous motives
Would never admit that posting this on his blog or twitter is probably feeding his ego
Would never admit that his lack of emotionality causes him to frequently question his salvation because he can't prove that any part of his relationship with Christ has moved from his mind to his heart
Deflects the fact that he's jealous of people who move solely on their emotions and instincts, because when he allows himself that privilege he always sins.
Wrestles with his true self as to whether to continue to study things like apologetics or systematic theology because they are pacifiers in the mist of his rebellious faithlessness. He secretly hopes no one adopts his worship of reason and evidence, but if they must please give him all the credit. His ego is hungry.
Pretends to have no problems with anyone, but he has fanaticized about killing or harming most of the people he's ever met.

Jesus Responds:
I love you despite the fact you hate yourself and who I created you to be.
Whether or not you come to realize my love I still love you. It's what I do.
Did you think I died for nothing?
Do you realize I allowed you to fail every time you have? It's not in my nature to do anything without purpose. That includes your sin. It breaks my heart, but you break it twice when you refuse to believe I was not in control before, during, and after those failures. And, I will be glorified in every one.

Driscoll on Time Magazine Naming New Calvinism the Third Most Powerful Idea of 2009

2009-03-12T16:43:00.001-05:00

http://theresurgence.com/new_calvinism

Is the Church a Zoo?

2009-03-11T02:55:00.002-05:00

I haven't cried since 2005. This video nearly broke the streak.

http://www.theworkofthepeople.com/index.php?ct=store.details&pid=V00564

Good Quotes

2009-03-09T03:16:00.002-05:00

Here are some quotes I've been mulling over for several weeks. I'm hoping I can pay Jeff Burnett to create some art with these. I miss him very much, but don't tell him. We communicate these days solely by kissing each others asses on our respective blogs in a glorious frenzy of pseudo-homoerotic rhetoric which would make the producers of Milk and the folks at Hallmark Cards shed collective tears of joy. This in turn only casts greater shadows on the legitimacy of his marriage, and pushes me that much closer to a career in the priesthood. Father Aaron Nelson… It has a certain ring. If only I weren't a Protestant. Anyway, here they are:

"May God grant us the wisdom to discover the right, the will to choose it, and the strength to make it endure."

-Sean Connery as King Arthur in First Knight

"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. 'He that will lose his life, the same shall save it,' is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes…A soldier surrounded by enemies , if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide, and will not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water, and drink death like wine."

-G.K. Chesterton, from Orthodoxy as quoted in Dan B. Allender's Leading with a Limp

Piper Takes a Swing at Co-Ed High School Wrestling…I Have to Pass it On

2009-03-06T02:07:00.001-06:00

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1664_Over_My_Dead_Body_Son/

The Best Article I’ve Read in Awhile

2009-03-04T21:52:00.001-06:00

http://www.mygazines.com/issue/353/63

Another Great Manning Clip!

2009-03-04T00:33:00.000-06:00

Brennan Manning's Newest!

2009-03-04T00:26:00.001-06:00

Furious Longing

This is Really Sad But Very Telling

2009-03-04T00:20:00.002-06:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,504354,00.html

A Reply to Ben Koehn's Note “Word”

2009-02-19T02:56:00.001-06:00

A Reply to Ben Koehn's Note "Word"

It's harder than you think!! Here is what you are supposed to do...and please don't spoil the fun...copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people - including me.

Where is your cell phone...........................in the front pocket of my wheelchair
Your hair...................................................needs to be cut
Your father................................................ is a goofball
Your favorite thing....................................can't be mentioned in the presence of children
Your dream last night...............................some variation of sword-wielding truth-defender uses intellect, gets girl, as usual.
Your favorite drink....................................White Russian
Your dream/goal........................................Internal Peace/Comfort
The room you are in..................................My Bedroom
Your fear................................................... to discover that all of the relationships I have with people are false like what happened to Truman in The Truman Show
Where do you want to be in 6 years.......Heaven (because of natural causes)
One of your wish list items....................... a Ph.D
Where you grew up.................................... Liberty, Mo.
The last thing you did................................Watched a DVR'd version of The Last Templar. It wasn't that bad for a made for T.V. movie.
What are you wearing................................A Hanes White undershirt (as an outer-shirt) and blue Jeans. It's my favorite combination because it's so comfortable. I'd wear it every day if I could.
Your TV.................................................... was a graduation gift. It's awesome.
Your pets.................................................. Does John Stratton count?
Your computer.......................................... does not run well because of my "favorite thing."
Your life.................................................... is a wrestling match.
Your mood................................................ is often enjoyably grumpy.
Missing someone...................................... Jeff Burnett
Your car................................................... smells like ass because eco-friendly Freon leaks into the air vents in '97 Town and Countries…Damn it.
Favorite store............................................ Barnes and Noble/Borders
Your summer............................................ was spent largely at the Creek.
Your favorite color....................................Bearcat Green, Baby!
When is the last time you laughed.............was this morning at Keith Bennett talking about accidently kissing his wife's ear in the dark.
Last time you cried...................................November 2005. Girl drama, don't ask. I came close during the movies 300 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button since then. I respect criers now because it's hard for me.
Three people who email me....................... today are: Justin Talley, Roy Moran, Ben Koehn
Three of my favorite foods......................... pastries, steak cooked medium, and potatoes
Three places I would rather be right now.... The Mediterranean region, Scotland, India
Three people I think will respond................ Nobody cares

The Tin Man Seeks a Heart Part 1: Ben Koehn is an Idiot Savant

2009-01-05T02:14:00.001-06:00

My friend Ben Koehn recently published some thoughts which I've linked at the end of this post. I whole-heartedly agree with his sentiments about the arena of romance. He is less cynical than I am, don't worry. I completely and totally admit to being what he (and apparently sociologists) call a single "Jag off." I recently had another friend refer to me as "The Tin Man" alluding to the character who lacks a heart in The Wizard of Oz. I'm a heartless bastard. I certainly enjoy making decisions from the confines of cold emotionless rationality as defined by my selfish and fearful worldview. So it rare for me to admit that when it comes to the issues of singleness or marriage, I really don't like my options, and that hurts more than anything I know of. I'll have more on that in the upcoming The Tin Man Seeks a Heart Part 2. In any case, I often feel like I'm in a bad action flick from the 90's trying to figure out which cord defuses the bomb which threatens the life of my dreams. It frequently seems appealing to cut them both and end it all. There is only one problem. I am not the director of this film. However, it is of some comfort to know that there are people in this world who observe some of the same things I do. It is even more comforting to know that at least one of those people can communicate them with skill and humor far beyond my own capacity. But enough ass kissing, here are Ben's words:

http://benkoehn.blogspot.com/2009/01/war-against-being-single-organized-rant.html

The 16 Random Things Note

2008-12-05T03:14:00.002-06:00

Once you've been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

I have a horrible diet. I love to consume anything that will put me in an early grave. I also have a lot of stomach problems which doesn't help my life at all because I basically have diarrhea ALL THE TIME.
I think romance is the sweetest piece of hell God has ever allowed on earth. I've never had a girlfriend. That's due in large part to the fact that I consider myself the anti-husband (think Antichrist). I've considered writing romantic advice books because the polar opposite of me is 'the perfect guy.' You might ask, "If that is true why don't you just do the opposite of your instincts and find love? To which I reply, "To play a character your whole life is quite a prison sentence."
I often wonder if I have schizophrenia. I've been known to spend hours on end in internal conversation which sometimes looks like I'm talking to myself. It happens a lot when I'm driving in my powerchair. People would frequently ask me why I didn't wave at them (or who I was talking to) while driving around campus when I was in college. Often times I lied because it's really embarrassing to admit you were caught up in your own mind. It reminds me of the Death Cab for Cutie lyric 'It is true what you said. I live like hermit in my own head' from 'Marching Bands of Manhattan' on Plans.
I've spent whole evenings on Google, Wikipedia etc. I love learning, especially trivial stuff. I like to tell other people about the things I come across. It sometimes comes off as arrogant, but I'm not all that smart. I had a 3.64 G.P.A. in High School and a 3.20 in college. It's not bad, but it's not what people expect from the guy typecast as an intellectual.
I have a love/hate relationship being typecast as the intellectual, but it's understandable since I double majored in Journalism and Philosophy.
A Beautiful Mind and Good Will Hunting are among my favorite flicks because of the themes in 3-5.
I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. When it's real bad I'll spend whole days in bed. I love sleeping, probably for all the wrong reasons. I once planned my own suicide during my freshman year in college. I consider all this stuff a spiritual 'thorn in the flesh' type thing as opposed to a biological issue because several of my favorite thinkers struggled with it too. I think it's a side effect of prolonged big-picture thinking, but I don't know how to shut it off.
I'm obsessed with knights, centurions and generally any position which allowed you to carry a sword in order to protect and defend the powerless.
I feel powerless a lot, which given #8, means I'm one step away from holding Dungeons and Dragons tournaments in my basement or Fortress Nelson.
I'm probably the crassest, most sarcastic and generally irreverent person you'll ever get to know, once you get past my surface that is. My mom has told me as a child my favorite Sesame Street character was Oscar the Grouch. I even have a watch with his face on it somewhere. I guess some things never change, because I just can't get through the day without a little release of belligerent humor. I love laughter. It's like morphine for the soul. When I take something painful and make it funny it lets me know it had at least one purpose. If I had the talent I'd be a standup comic. (Last one to the irony gets a kick in the genitals.)
I could care less about my appearance, but I hate feeling dirty. I take the longest showers of anyone I know. A lot of disabled people smell, and I worry about being stereotyped so I'm kind of compulsive. I really can't wake up without a shower and a cup of coffee.
I was published in six different publications before my nineteenth birthday. I haven't been published (other than this site) in over two years. I'm a decent writer but nothing special.
I write crappy poetry on occasion and put it on the internet under a fake name.
I love debate. It's like mental boxing. Nothing makes me feel strong, but debating is the closest I come.
I hate nursing homes. An insane elderly woman once accosted me while I was in the hallway of one. I suspect I will go to one once my parents can't take care of me anymore. My friends may try to look after me, but more than anything in this world, I don't want to hold my loved ones back.
I consider the sporting arena the last battlefield of the civilized world. I connect with epic themes in my life every time I allow myself to get caught up in the drama of sport.
Jared K.--I think this might be a good small group exercise since a lot of us have already been tagged, and I want to get to know you more.
Allison K.-- SEE ABOVE
Lucas L.-- I'd like to know all the We Are Voices guys on a deeper level. I really enjoy the influence you've had on my life, but I don't think any of you will do this. Pretend it's my make a wish fellas.
Eric B.--SEE ABOVE
Chris H.-- SEE ABOVE
Josh G.-- SEE ABOVE
Jonathan K.--I love the creativity tornado that is your mind.
Adam H. -- I've enjoyed our chats and always will.
Dane H. -- We haven't talked in months. That sucks. I miss you.
Eric Belk -- We haven't gotten to know one another yet. I sincerely hope that will change through this and Fusion/Crash.
Nick B. -- I know you hate writing. Just do it and quit whining about it.
Bret M -- I love your perspective. I want more.
Autumn C. -- Yours is the only estrogen I trust.
Emily D. -- This selection needed some South African flavor.
John S. -- I want to see how many times you actually type the 'F' word.
Kevin C. -- I really like what I've seen so far. Show me more. (In the most heterosexual way of course.)
Ben K-- You tagged me.
Josh B.--You tagged me.

Logic and Love

2008-10-16T23:45:00.001-05:00

Ben Koehn: Where does logical thinking fit into a broken world? And what I mean is, if we are broken people who can't help but sin, can we actually think logically?

WHAT A GREAT QUESTION! I'M SO EXCITED. LET'S SEE WHERE THIS GOES...I am very impressed. On the surface my answer is that logic is hampered by brokenness. This is part what makes Paul's words true:

1 Corinthians 13:8-12 (The Message)

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

This is what I really enjoy about Paul's writing style. He puts this nugget in the context of life's greatest purpose called love. If we accept the premise that love is a good thing that people are not fully capable of until Christ infiltrates there life. (Even afterward this is a moment to moment, breath by breath thing) then love becomes the primer for all other good things including pure uses of logic. Like any other thing that can be used to the glory of God logic has the chance to be perverted by our enemy as well washed by Christ in his blood for his purposes. Also, like any other thing logic has its limits that are not allowed to broken and are held in place by God's hand. Or when they are allowed to be broken they become sinful and no longer God-glorifying. Think about sex here. :) The same sorts of principles apply. So I guess in response to your question can we really think logically? I respond with another, can we really do anything that is purely good? My answer for both questions is the same: not without Jesus. What about when I sometimes get schooled by atheists logically? Are those pure uses of logic which in turn glorify God? Maybe. It is possible that I needed to get my pride bitch-slapped. It is also possible, like with any victory by those who do not love God, it is temporary. In fact, the beginning of Revelation is all about "God's Team" losing, so is most of Job and one of my favorite Psalms #73. God very much allows Satan to stack his deck before he dominates him. God's domination or evil is of course more self-glorifying if Satan is allowed to take his best shot. This helps me understand why God allows opposition to himself. Now, I'm not suggesting God is an egomaniac for two reasons:

1.) To be an egomaniac you have to crave things you don't deserve. Nothing deserves anything except the God who created it.
2.) God's design for humanity is one of love. In my opinion nothing demonstrates this more than the reality that the only thing that satisfies a creation of God completely is God's own glory.

On another note though, I think God is a fan logical order. If you look at how creation functions together you see that God is not confined to the systematic, but he is a fan of systems. Because that's true I am ok with engaging that way as long as I remember he could break the system at any moment. He is allowing me to use my mind as an instrument played for his enjoyment and mine. I get really scared for Christians who claim that God is illogical. If the human capacity for logic is inherit in its definition then that is indeed true. However, I prefer to see God not as illogical or irrational without purpose. I simply see those things I don't understand as instances which surpass human capacity to understand. In other words God is not irrational, just more rational than I could ever be.

I think that's enough. Hope it helps.

-Depraved and redeemed.

Tales of the Blacksmith’s Hammer Part 5: Epics and Omelets

2008-10-16T21:21:00.001-05:00

Originally Brainstormed July 31, 2008

EPIC [ep-ik] adj. noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style

Passage of Significance: Psalm 45: 1-8, 16

This passage used to hang in my college dorm room: Psalm 45: 1-8, 16 (New Living Translation)

Beautiful words stir my heart. I will recite a lovely poem about the king, for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet. You are the most handsome of all. Gracious words stream from your lips. God himself has blessed you forever. Put on your sword, O mighty warrior! You are so glorious, so majestic! In your majesty, ride out to victory, defending truth, humility, and justice. Go forth to perform awe-inspiring deeds! Your arrows are sharp, piercing your enemies' hearts. The nations fall beneath your feet. Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever. You rule with a scepter of justice. You love justice and hate evil. Therefore God, your God, has anointed you, pouring out the oil of joy on you more than on anyone else. Myrrh, aloes, and cassia perfume your robes. In ivory palaces the music of strings entertains you. Your sons will become kings like their father. You will make them rulers over many lands.

Interestingly enough a footnote in my Bible says that this used to be a wedding song for the Jewish people of Korah. Don't worry I will not fill anymore space with my thoughts and struggles with the institution of marriage. You can find that in a lot of old stuff I've written. The passage does help me transition into a conversation I had this summer with some trusted friends and men who have once again shown me what true brotherhood looks like. We were discussing how much I really could stand to learn about God's grace over some omelets. Of course, I have some semblance mentally and spiritually that Jesus death paid for my sin. I count on that reality daily. Most people who claim that Jesus forgives them do. However, like most people who claim the name of Jesus, that's where I like to stop. I like to believe that there was a reason of my own making that caused God to give me this gift. I will fully admit that I need his grace while believing I inspired God to give it to me. Honestly, that reason which compels God's grace in my false theology is the idea that God must give me grace, because without it I don't deserve to live. While there are elements of truth here, my depravity (totally broken, needy existence) will never force God into a corner. That's what makes this so problematic. Not only is it unorthodox. But it also assumes that I could have some influence on a God who is in complete control of all of history.¹

More importantly, the false idea that I could inspire God's gift of forgiveness caused my friend to ask me a question. What sort of actions or activities would make my life successful in my own eyes? (I think he was hoping to transition from there to God's definition of success and what true joy is.) He suggested that I might consider my life successful if I won a Nobel Prize for Literature. It was a good guess, but my mind immediately went to this passage of scripture. I'm a bit more unsophisticated then he thought. This passage could easily describe the next epic blockbuster to hit the big screen. John Eldredge has written a lot about why epic stories seem to connect with hearts of men and women. While I think Eldredge sometimes goes to unnecessary extremes to display his passions, I'm still a big fan. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, I think I have a hero's complex. So often I want to be the one who saves the day. It is a sad reality that the average amount of heroism a man experiences today is found in getting the right kind of Tampax for his wife, or cleaning the chimney without paralyzing himself. Don't get me wrong. These are loving acts, but they don't describe my dreams. Maybe I'm an old soul― whatever that means. All I know is there is a part of me that not only hungers to carry a sword with authority, but wishes I had reason to.²

All of these ideas take interesting turns when I consider the circumstances I live under. I'm a 22 year-old guy, and the only thing I have to my name is a piece of paper that lies about how smart I am. Pompous people call it a diploma. Additionally, it would be foolish to assume that because I write this from a wheelchair it has no influence on how I see the world. In fact, I would go as far as to say it might be a central theme in my worldview. That has caused me to consider a lot of things. I met this guy named Trace Bundy once. He considered a lot of things too. Trace is a pretty phenomenal guitarist, so much so that some people might be inclined to call what he does with a guitar heroic. I don't know if I'd go that far, but I do consider it a wonderfully powerful gift from God. His autograph is framed on my wall. It is certainly evidence of a good memory, but what he wrote has always confused me a little. It reads: aaron, thanks brother, you're my hero.

This is pretty mind-blowing. It makes me nervous honestly. Never have I considered a bit of my life heroic. I have a hard time even seeing anything positive in my existence much of the time. Other people tell me there are things they consider enjoyable and pure. On a good day I believe them. Oh, how I long for a good day. I think part of the reason I've never considered my life heroic or good is because I'm in need of rescue much of the time. Why is it to be in need feels so parasitic? I feel more like the stereotypical damsel in distress than the majestic knight in the stories I've come to love. But even those stories the damsel has a crucial role to play. She always has something to contribute to the victory at the end of the story. Why is it I feel like I have far less to contribute than anyone else when that is clearly counter-biblical? What is it about the notion of rescue that makes it so hard to accept? Why is it that being the one doing the rescuing is crucial to self-worth in my skewed and broken worldview? Some options:

The Zeal of Selfish Pride
Cultural and Sociological Factors
A Christ-Esteemed Calling
The Chaos Pot-Luck (I'll explain later)

THE ZEAL OF SELFISH PRIDE

I strive to be completely honest in every question I ask of myself. Objectivity is one of the things I value most in this world. In fact, I hope my tombstone reads: 'He found objectivity and then the mercy of God. Life was never the same.' Even though I rarely make it to a truly objective state (maybe never) it is the principle that has guided me more than any other since I discovered the theological writings of C.S. Lewis in my teens. Many times his works have kept my faith from gasping its final breath. More often than not I find being objectively honest means trying to throw a 'penalty flag' on ourselves when we believe something to be true because we want it to be true, rather than discovering that it is indeed true.³

What objectivity means for this post is that I must consider that the need to be a hero is solely a matter of selfishness. Do I want to be a hero simply because I want to be esteemed or worshiped in the eyes of others rather than Christ being worshiped? Yes. That is absolutely true. Maybe I should stop typing. Maybe the relief I seek from the hunger inside of me is simply to engage it like any other sin. By this I mean through prayer, spiritual warfare, study, counseling, solitude etc. The goal of all these activities is simply to engage the mystery that is becoming more like Christ. Is that the only reason I'm compelled to a heroic life? That question leads me to another, maybe the most important question of this post. Was Christ a hero? For most of my readers this is a slam dunk. Yes! For those of us that believe in Christ there can be no more heroic act than the death and resurrection of Jesus. If that is true, then pursuing true heroism is pursuing Christ. The story does not end in sin. If that is the case then I must ask myself a few more questions: Why do I define heroism with epic themes? And how does Christ define heroism?

CULTURAL AND SOCIOLOGICAL FACTORS

It would be inappropriate to write this post without giving some thought to the cultural and sociological factors which may have helped form my conception of heroism. I have no doubt that for many the idea and classic conceptions of heroism are subjects that reek of Chauvinism. Let me make this clear, I am not suggesting that heroism is strictly a male game. That said, I do subscribe to the notion that the gender God has given every person is a symbol of two extremely broad categories which shape the lens we see the world through.⁴ To put it plainly, gender-based study with regard heroism intrigues me. Of course the traditional view sees men as passionate heroes and women as the pursued prize and recipient of the benefits of the man's endeavors. This seems to be a bit strong and self-serving in terms of describing what Christ wants from me, not to mention if I'm trying to biblically define heroism. That makes me wonder if the whole project may serve some non-biblical melodramatic notion which is tied to the sinful pride I've already alluded to. But if Christ is to be the standard of heroism then a biblical definition must exist, and it will overcome all hindrances including culture and pride.

A CHRIST-ESTEEMED CALLING

If you've had any conversation with me about psychology you'll know I have many objections to the field. It's fine in general, but like many fields, it has helped introduce some bad ideas into our culture. Among those bad ideas is the notion of self-esteem. If your worldview is a biblical one, you'll understand that Christ is the hope of the world, and anything separated from Christ cannot accurately be called good. When you discover things that make you feel good about yourself they are either evidences of Christ being enjoyed in your life or a lie. I am not saying that a person without relationship to Christ cannot feel good about themselves for extended periods of time. Nor am I saying that those without relationship to Christ are any different from me in terms of people enjoying their presence. I am simply saying that without Christ whatever is creating 'self-esteem' in any person's has a shelf life. This also applies to Christians who have succumbed to sins which blur their vision of Christ and His work. This idea is better explained here.

It is interesting to note that if I were to become a hero as a result of pride or any other sin I suspect that a self-esteem boost is exactly what I would receive. This would leave me empty again eventually. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. That light is one of passion. Unfortunately, what I'm about to type next is something my mind has begun to understand, but I don't know if it's true of my heart yet. When I consider why epic themes might be inevitably linked to the idea of heroism the answer may be found in that epics tend to reflect a life lived with righteous wildness which Christ intended to release upon the world. This is more stuff ripped from Eldredge's works, but I think where these themes take an original turn is when I consider how to engage all of them.

THE CHAOS POT-LUCK

I call the next section the Chaos Pot-Luck because it seems pretty clear that if I'm going to be honest with myself all three of the previous sections must be accounted for in deciding where I go from here. This makes for a very chaotic pot-luck of variables and ultimately a bloody mess. Thankfully, I realize the blood is Christ's and not my own. The essence of the conflict here is that there are elements of sinful flesh, false theologies and true ones at play. When you mix all that together Christ's grace and mercy is my only hope for becoming the true hero Christ would wish each of us to be.

Here the notion of rescue becomes particularly sticky but incredibly relevant. It is no doubt my pride which is resistant to rescue. That must be daily subdued if I am to become more like Christ. Not only does the idea of other people rescuing me become painfully problematic but so does humanity's greatest rescue. I do not want to need Christ's rescue, but I do need it. And like the rest of history's heroic stories there is always the overcoming of adversity as well as self-denial for a greater cause. This is not the practice of discipline in order to conform to an obligatory code of shame, fear and guilt. On the contrary it is a response to the belief that this discipline leads to the best life that can be lived. I am not disciplined because I disagree with God much of the time as to what the best path to take is. Ultimately that exposes that I have more faith in my own abilities to understand how to live than I have faith in God's teachings about life. If this doesn't change I will never be a hero. Maybe that is what I enjoy most about the idea of objectivity. It helps separate the God-Glorifying desires from the self-glorifying ones. It also could explain why I'm frustrated to no end with those people who turn a blind eye to painful self-examination. Being honest with filth inside of you is the only way Christ will begin to clean your heart. The repeated cleansing process will unleash what life was always supposed to be. So in many ways a person's refusal to examine his or herself in the name of avoiding pain is a commitment to a life filled with it. One thing becomes clear in The Chaos Pot-Luck. It must engaged to be eventually enjoyed.

The scary thing about engaging The Chaos Pot-Luck is it can be faked. I should know I'm often the one doing the faking. I've already told you of my immense frustration with those people who refuse to examine their lives. I understand that decision is made out of an attempt to avoid pain, and that is certainly understandable, but if the Bible is what governs our lives striving for objective self-analysis appears to be necessary. If I'm still looking for the definition of a hero it appears that part of it must be that a hero does not fear self-examination. But self-examination is not a cure-all. God must be invited into the process. We cannot fix ourselves. We must speak King David's words 'Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life' (Psalm 139:23-24 NLT). Through the life of David we can see a hero is not afraid to look inside himself with God leading the way. Maybe, more important than speaking those words is meaning them. I can't say I always do that, and it is most definitely a problem.

Here are some verses I wrestling with at this point:

Psalm 71:1-3 (The Message)
I run for dear life to God, I'll never live to regret it. Do what you do so well: get me out of this mess and up on my feet. Put your ear to the ground and listen, give me space for salvation. Be a guest room where I can retreat; you said your door was always open! You're my salvation—my vast, granite fortress.

Proverbs 3:5-12 (The Message)

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health; your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline; don't sulk under his loving correction. It's the child he loves that God corrects; a father's delight is behind all this.

Proverbs 21:2-4 (New Living Translation)

People may be right in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their heart. The Lord is more pleased when we do what is right and just than when we offer him sacrifices. Haughty eyes, a proud heart, and evil actions are all sin.

Romans 3:27-28 (The Message)

What we've learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We've finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

THE CYNIC'S PRISON

As you can tell I'm addicted to self-analysis. However, I've had some painful flaws pointed out in me that I couldn't see. One is that over self-analysis, when God is forced to take a back seat to the idol of my own mind, often leads to despair and cynicism. I am a cynic if there ever was one. It is nearly impossible to inspire me to hope that lasts. This reality is clearly not heroic. A hero believes. I agree with G.K. Chesterton here when he says 'All sin is born out of the belief that God is not good [enough].' I sit with that thought a lot. Frankly, I'll be the first to admit I do not believe God is good much of the time. This creates at least two profound realities for me: a multitude of sinful habits, and a need to control everything. Is the connection clear? If I believed God was good (satisfying) enough― obedience in terms of current activities and their motives would be no sweat. If I believed that God always has my best interest at heart in whatever happens I would feel no need to control or influence future events. I think maybe that's why movie-heroism is so appealing. Have you ever known a hero in a movie that couldn't overcome whatever is thrown at him or her? Isn't most of the pleasure of epic stories watching good characters defeat evil ones once and for all? Take possibly the greatest epic story told in my lifetime, the movie Braveheart. (Eldredge does this much better than I, but bear with me.) Can you imagine if the movie ended at William Wallace's death; if you never knew if the hero's mission overcame the forces of evil in the story? At worst we would have left the theatre depressed and bad-mouthed the movie to our friends. But what if we apply the same thoughts to the life of Christ in the Bible? What if the story ends with the death of Jesus? The apostle Paul knew far too well the ramification of that idea. He said, 'If Christ has not been raised, then all our preaching is useless, and your faith is useless' (1 Corinthians 15:14 NLT). Without resurrection there is nothing original about Jesus. There might be some qualities to be admired, but not much else, and certainly nothing worth devoting your life to. I think there might be a key here as to why life (even for the Christ-follower) seems so undeniably frustrating when we get passed false optimism. Doesn't life seem like a movie that just won't get to its happy ending? Maybe this is my cynicism coming out. But I identify with Paul when he says 'For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us…' (Romans 8:22-24 NLT). I sit here, but I think the Christ-centered hero would move. This is a source of added frustration. If we are to move closer to Christ where is he? And how do I force myself to move there― Can I force myself to move at all?

FEAR, LOVE AND WEAKNESS

Remember the conversation that sparked this whole project―The one with the omelets? Well, the guy who I was speaking to officiates weddings occasionally. Usually in his wedding sermons he will include the phrase 'Marriage may not make you happy, but it will make you Holy.' What is about that sentiment that makes me feel like pissing myself and running from all holiness? It must be Chesterton's suspicion all over again. But how does that apply to the truly heroic life? Another lesser known epic may give us a clue. First Knight retells the Arthurian legend of Camelot. Sean Connery plays the majestic King Arthur while Richard Gere plays the stoic, reckless vagabond known as Lancelot. Lancelot catches the King's eye by fearlessly conquering a medieval gauntlet without the necessary padding which would have saved his life had he made a mistake while competing. King Arthur calls Lancelot into a private meeting room inside his castle and they begin to discuss his performance on the gauntlet. The King simply asks Lancelot why he was able to compete so skillfully while other men were defeated easily. Lancelot responds by saying essentially that his victory could be attributed to a personal sense of fearlessness. To which King Arthur replies 'A man who fears nothing loves nothing.' As I type that line I can think of nothing that better describes why I (and I suspect many others) do not fully grasp the life Christ would have for us. I fear love. It has occurred to me recently that I actually prefer when people dislike me because there is less pressure to not disappoint those who already find you unworthy of relationship. I say this understanding that I need loving relationships (especially relationship with God) to feel completeness and infuse life with purpose. This is a major problem. It is certainly not a heroic reality. A hero is not afraid to sacrifice any part of himself or herself for the benefit of others. It is this truth that the apostle Paul expands upon when he calls the loveless life as useless as 'a clanging cymbal' (1 Corinthians 13:1 NLT). I don't like to admit or feel the fear I write about here. It is excruciating to try and sit peacefully in the truth that the perfect God declares he loves me. It is still nearly impossible for me to believe that imperfect people claim to have the same feelings toward me and others. One thing is clear hear however. A hero does not share my fears, or at least he or she finds the courage to overcome them.

There is a certain power that comes from my reaction to these fears, mainly the illusion that I can protect myself from disappointment by refusing to feel fear or anything else for that matter. The truth is refusing to feel (pleasant or unpleasant feelings) is probably the most inclusive of all unhealthy behaviors which numb us. That makes it the most effective. The bad news is it is this numbing behavior that may come at the highest price to us. The price is so catastrophic because no one can honestly feel good, joyful, pleasant and pleasurable things without opening themselves to the possibility of their absence. That absence history has called pain. So in effect when we refuse to embrace the absence of the goodness in our lives we deny ourselves the opportunity of experiencing its presence should it come later. And here's the good news, goodness (mainly Christ) will come. It is possible (although highly unlikely) that a person could spend the totality of their earthly lives in extreme suffering and still be within the will of God. This is a bittersweet reality demonstrating that God is bigger than any earthly life, and the pleasures of earthly will be dispersed at his discretion alone. I think that's why trying to follow God is often so scary. When humanity's relationship to God is properly understood the reality is that Christ's death only protects the Christian from one pain among all possible pains. The pain that the Christian is disqualified from is separation from God; once united we cannot be separated. But every other pain is potentially available and may be encountered on the road to eternity called life. No wound is off limits except for the wound healed when God entered our lives. At this point I want to curl into the fetal position and suck my thumb. That makes me feel weak. Weakness is a peculiar thing. Above all things I hate, I hate weakness the most. There is something about weakness that feels so akin to defeat, like tying cider blocks to your feet before trying to swim the English Channel. Paul again pulls me from my watery grave. He calls all Christ followers to a life embracing weakness and pain for the benefit of the kingdom of Christ when he says:

I've worked much harder, been jailed more often, beaten up more times than I can count, and at death's door time after time. I've been flogged five times with the Jews' thirty-nine lashes, beaten by Roman rods three times, pummeled with rocks once. I've been shipwrecked three times, and immersed in the open sea for a night and a day. In hard traveling year in and year out, I've had to ford rivers, fend off robbers, struggle with friends, struggle with foes. I've been at risk in the city, at risk in the country, endangered by desert sun and sea storm, and betrayed by those I thought were my brothers. I've known drudgery and hard labor, many a long and lonely night without sleep, many a missed meal, blasted by the cold, naked to the weather. And that's not the half of it, when you throw in the daily pressures and anxieties of all the churches. When someone gets to the end of his rope, I feel the desperation in my bones. When someone is duped into sin, an angry fire burns in my gut. If I have to "brag" about myself, I'll brag about the humiliations that make me like Jesus. The eternal and blessed God and Father of our Master Jesus knows I'm not lying. Remember the time I was in Damascus and the governor of King Aretas posted guards at the city gates to arrest me? I crawled through a window in the wall, was let down in a basket, and had to run for my life. You've forced me to talk this way, and I do it against my better judgment. But now that we're at it, I may as well bring up the matter of visions and revelations that God gave me. For instance, I know a man who, fourteen years ago, was seized by Christ and swept in ecstasy to the heights of heaven. I really don't know if this took place in the body or out of it; only God knows. I also know that this man was hijacked into paradise—again, whether in or out of the body, I don't know; God knows. There he heard the unspeakable spoken, but was forbidden to tell what he heard. This is the man I want to talk about. But about myself, I'm not saying another word apart from the humiliations. If I had a mind to brag a little, I could probably do it without looking ridiculous, and I'd still be speaking plain truth all the way. But I'll spare you. I don't want anyone imagining me as anything other than the fool you'd encounter if you saw me on the street or heard me talk. Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, my grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. (2 Corinthians 11:23-12:10 The Message)

THE DIVINE BLACKSMITH

My reaction to this passage is not unlike many who will read this post. I am struck by how intensely difficult it is to live as Paul did. But isn't that the heart of the issue when pursuing the heroic life. Aren't the greatest epics the ones that end with the hero giving his life to the cause he's fought for because he has nothing holding him back? It seems that is what our great and glorious King would wish for his children. I must end this post with a certain amount of mystery, because my life is not a heroic one yet. I have not yet learned that there is no need to test any strength I might have against anything of this world, but rather to measure it against Christ's strength alone.

It might be fitting to close with a reference to the prophet Isaiah's words about our lives being like clay in the hands of potter (Isaiah 64:7-9). It is a fine metaphor to be sure, but my prayer is that I, along with my readers, would encounter the divine blacksmith. Gentle hands will no longer shape some of us father. Please place us deep with the fires of truth. Passionately strike from us all that does not aid you cause with perfect precision. Shape us like the armor and weaponry we will need to fight evil. Cool us with the waters of your presence and the wisdom of the battle-tested. And when the time is right above all else lead the charge.

―Depraved and Redeemed

¹My point here is not to discuss issues pertaining to predestination and free will, as many of those questions are simply mysteries beyond my capacity to properly explain.

² Hopefully this is not a vengeful desire, but rather a desire to be God's instrument in defending the helpless and oppressed from tyranny and evil, but I make no promises.

³ There are those people who will claim that this is what's happening when someone chooses to put their faith in Jesus. Obviously, I believe this not to be the case, but that is a matter for another post.

⁴ Very little on this subject matter is biblically black and white, but there seems to be a few guiding principle which shape the rest of this section of the post.

**Editor's Note:

In the spirit of complete and total internal openness and authenticity which I'm learning to embrace since coming to Shoal Creek Community Church, I've decided to publish my journal entries conceived while I was an intern there. This experience was a time of deep spiritual exploration. I am sure that these entries will expose many things that I may not want to share with the whole world via the internet. However, that does not mean that I shouldn't continue, but it did mean that certain events, characters and situations were written about with a certain amount of ambiguity and discretion. I hope this project was not censored in anyway do to my sensitivities, and only censored as a means of protecting the trust of the people in my life. I cannot promise that I will always expose myself completely, but this is one attempt. To not try would be yet another example of the hypocrisy I often find within myself.

Tales of the Blacksmith’s Hammer Part 4: The Solomon Q&A

2008-10-16T21:19:00.001-05:00

Originally Brainstormed June 3, 2008

Passages of Significance: The Latter Parts of Proverbs

So today I'm exploring my own preferences toward self-protection. I'm a classic self-protector. I would much rather avoid pain than risk it for pleasure. This is a natural tendency, but it becomes a problem when I do not have enough faith to believe that any pain I experience is allowed, and takes place under, the watchful eye of God. That means that if I experience it, it is meant to make me stronger. This got me thinking about risk analysis, wisdom and how they play together. So I had a conversation with Solomon, the Bible's Pragmatic philosopher and writer of Proverbs. Once again he helps beat this tendency out of me. Let me show you the conversation:

The World of Wheels: First off, what advice would you give young people?

Solomon: Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail.
(Proverbs 19:20-21)

TWOW: I find myself in constant tension as I pursue those things Solomon. Doesn't the pursuit of advice often result in conflict over what is wise or unwise?

S: Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.
(Proverbs 20:3)

TWOW: Sol, Can I call you Sol? That's difficult to hear. In fact it was quite a kick in the spiritual nuts, because much of what I do as a philosopher is quarreling hopefully to uncover a better understanding of the world. Is there room for that in God's kingdom?

S: Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out. (Proverbs 20:5)

TWOW: Is that a mental or emotional activity, or both? Is it possible that I've sinned when I've offered either carelessly?

S: Who can say, "I have cleansed my heart; I am pure and free from sin"? (Proverbs 20:9)

TWOW: Solomon sometimes the weight of my sin and the despair it causes in my life seems too difficult to engage. I find myself caught up in a myriad of sinful habits which temporarily numb me to the reality that the world I live in is shattered and will not be fully repaired until the end of time. I especially like to sleep a lot during the day…

S: If you love sleep, you will end in poverty. Keep your eyes open, and there will be plenty to eat! (Proverbs 20:13)

TWOW: Gotcha. I do love food. I guess that's a plus.

S: Do not carouse with drunkards or feast with gluttons, for they are on their way to poverty, and too much sleep clothes them in rags. (Proverbs 23:20-21)

TWOW: Solomon to be honest your bumming me out dude. Sometimes when I speak to you it seems as if nothing I do matters anyway. It's all just a matter of God's will our efforts can only condemn us. What's the use of trying?

S: The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? (Proverbs 20:24)

TWOW: I guess that leads me back to my original question, if we can't understand everything why try to understand anything? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to float through a life that can't be understood resting in the belief that God is good, and he will always direct toward that goodness?

S: The wise conquer the city of the strong and level the fortress in which they trust. (Proverbs 21:22)

TWOW: Maybe I'm dumb. Didn't you just say the Lord would be the one directing my steps if I were to conquer a city?

S: The horse is prepared for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the Lord. (Proverbs 21:31)

TWOW: What do horses have to do with anything?

S: A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.
(Proverbs 27:12)

TWOW: I find that what you call prudence I often use to excuse my own faithlessness. That is especially true when I'm feeling as if God is calling me to risk something I'm uncomfortable with. How am I to know whether the fear I have is a product of faithlessness or a sign of God's protection?

S: No human wisdom or understanding or plan can stand against the Lord.
(Proverbs 21:30)

TWOW: That's exactly what I mean Solomon! How do I find God's wisdom and not rely on my own?

S: It is God's privilege to conceal things and the king's [the wise, knowledgeable, educated] privilege to discover them. (Proverbs 25:2)

TWOW: If finding concealed things is to be my privilege how should this privilege honor God?

S: There is more hope for fools than for people who think they are wise. (Proverbs 26:12)

TWOW: I think I'm beginning to see the balance that defines wisdom. Are wise people those who have patience when they don't understand, but they also never stop trying to learn?

S: A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls.
(Proverbs 25:28)

TWOW: How do self-control and wisdom intermingle?

S:
Don't answer the foolish arguments of fools, or you will become as foolish as they are. Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools, or they will become wise in their own estimation. (Proverbs 26:4-5)

TWOW: That sounds like a blatant contradiction. I'm horribly confused. Are you saying that if I answer the fool's argument make sure the response is not tainted by my own sin and only when I'm confident I speak truth that comes from God? There are people especially in the philosophy subculture who love argument for arguments sake. How should I respond to their challenges?

S: People may cover their hatred with pleasant words, but they're deceiving you. As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.
(Proverbs 26:24, Proverbs 26:11)

TWOW: Is there any hope for a student's desire to attain wisdom?

S: Just as Death and Destruction are never satisfied, so human desire is never satisfied.
(Proverbs 27:20)

TWOW: Should I continue?

S: It is not good to eat too much honey, nor is it honorable to seek one's own honor. [But] the heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.
(Proverbs 25:27, Proverbs 18:15)

Thank God for men like Solomon masters of the great balancing act between arrogance, faithlessness, submission, mystery and wisdom.

-Depraved and Redeemed

**Editor's Note:

Tales of the Blacksmith’s Hammer Part 3: The Wedding and the War

2008-10-16T21:18:00.001-05:00

Originally Brainstormed June 1, 2008

Passages of Significance: Proverbs 19-21, 1 Timothy 5:3-8, Ephesians 5:25-30, Mathew 17:20

She wept in his arms. It was the truest depiction of the biblical passages which speak of Christ's love for his church (often called his bribe) that I have seen in recent memory. Both the bribe and groom were overcome with emotion that I cannot begin to describe. I have no idea what they were feeling. I may never know. What I did know was that I had some internal wrestling to do, as I watched this beautiful moment unfold from the audience of their wedding. I've been to a few weddings this season. They all had this depiction present in their own right, but this one was different. It was raw and exposed. There was a certain reality in that moment that I hadn't connected with in a very long time. That reality can best be described as love. I'd like to say that as I watched such an occasion I was overcome with joy and positivity, but instead a very familiar voice rang through my mind: Brides aren't for the broken… love isn't for losers… passion is for those 'man' enough to pursue it. You're a selfish, irresponsible bastard. You wish to make one of the daughter's of God a widow on her wedding day? How dare you want this? Don't you know marriage is for men you silly faggot. I was attacked. I expected it. I usually am in situations like these. The night progressed with sincere ambivalence. I truly enjoyed myself in some regards. The food was great, the company was grand, and yet there were moments throughout the evening which twisted the knife in my soul. The fact that I was in clothing I couldn't independently operate was a double edged sword. It kept me from numbing myself with drunkenness because I couldn't urinate by myself, but when I did have to urinate I had to go through the humiliation of having a brother help me. That always sucks, and the voices returned. See you can't even piss by yourself. How do you expect to lead anything, especially a family?

I should have known you would not let this attack go unresolved Father. Look at what you directed me today in the Bible daily reading plan. Among the first verses I read today:

Proverbs 19:14

Fathers can give their sons an inheritance of houses and wealth, but only the Lord can give an understanding wife.

That's loving kick to the spiritual coconuts wasn't enough was it?

Despite my questions like if that is true, why I haven't you given me such a thing? What's wrong with me, wait a sec... What's not wrong with me? I kept reading. Only to come across some more fodder for the topic at hand:

Proverbs 21:9

It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

Proverbs 21:19

It's better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.

Proverbs 25:20

Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone's coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound.

I love Solomon. He pulls no punches. I would consider his wisdom to be among the finer aspects of the Bible, but he's killing me here. Or maybe God's killing me with Solomon's words. I don't know much, but I know the message is clear. Don't marry women that aren't a blessing from God! And this isn't even the only time he repeats this message. It's in Proverbs about a half dozen times. But now I have a bigger problem...Why is it that I associate nearly every women I meet with the anguish Solomon is talking about here? Surely they all can't be that bad. Here's the heart of the matter. Why is it when I run across good women in my life it feels as if I'm on a treadmill of expectation leading to my failure and their inevitable disappointment? If there is Grace in Christ why do my sisters have no grace for the differences of my lifestyle? Maybe they do and I don't want to admit it. Maybe its easier to burn bridges than build them. But what then is this business contemporary Christianity calls 'Biblical pursuit'? Isn't the idea that a man must win a women's heart yet another treadmill of expectation? I don't know. It sure seems that way, and I'm not even sure that a women desiring pursuit is an unhealthy desire. In fact the Apostle Paul seems to have pretty high expectations for Husbands when he commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25-30). Does Christ ever stop pursuing relationship to his bride (the Church)? No, of Course not, but is any husband ever going to be as perfect as Christ is? No, absolutely not. So how does grace work here? Especially, when Paul's words in 1 Timothy 5:8 are considered:

1 Timothy 5:3-8

Take care of widows who are destitute. If a widow has family members to take care of her, let them learn that religion begins at their own doorstep and that they should pay back with gratitude some of what they have received. This pleases God immensely. You can tell a legitimate widow by the way she has put all her hope in God, praying to him constantly for the needs of others as well as her own. But a widow who exploits people's emotions and pocketbooks—well, there's nothing to her. Tell these things to the people so that they will do the right thing in their extended family. Anyone who neglects to care for family members in need repudiates the faith. That's worse than refusing to believe in the first place.

From this passage some things become clearer, other things not so much. It becomes clear as I begrudgingly suspected that making a man win the heart of a woman is not such a counter-biblical demand, because the intention of the potential husband is churned to the surface. His true colors are shown as the kind of man who would 'repudiate his faith,' or live to the best of his ability pursuing Christ. This is an interesting Freudian slip as I type. What did I mean when I said 'to the best of his ability' could God's grace and sovereignty cover my physical incompetence in the same way it covers every other aspect of my life? Or has God shown me this incompetence in order to call me to a different journey away from things outside of his plan for my life. This is the crux of the issue. I am attributing my own fear to the will of God? Or is the attack I mentioned above simply an attempt to get me to take a faithless approach to a calling of celibacy not trusting that God would be in control of that as well. These questions have pounded in my mind for years. It is by far my favorite sadomasochistic puzzle. Maybe this whole entry is one big distraction from the things actually happening before me? Maybe even thinking about this stuff is an act of faithlessness? I have no answers. Only assumptions based in principle, reason and faith the size of a mustard seed. (Matthew 17:20). God help me!

-Depraved and Redeemed

**Editor's Note:

Tales of the Blacksmith’s Hammer Part 2: Martyrdom and Meaninglessness

2008-10-16T21:17:00.001-05:00

Originally Brainstormed May 28, 2008

Passages of Significance: 1 Kings 8, 2 Chronicles 4

What is perseverance? I'd like to think that it is the aspect of my life which glorifies God the most. I often have dreams or visions of myself taking a beating in a boxing match. I like to think that God smiles when I get back up from the mats. But a suspicion has been rising in me slowly through many years that perseverance is an aspect of what's called a personal theology around here. (Basically a personal theology is anyone's attempt to justify their reactions to a part of their life, by understanding God in a way that allows that justification. Personal theologies are never biblically accurate. That's what separates them from biblical theologies and makes them personal to their holder.) It must be considered that perseverance has become a mechanism for both hopelessness and faithlessness in me. (In other words in an uncertain situation I am the first to believe and claim that God desires I persevere through the negative outcome of the given uncertainty.) Father please help me explore why I see myself as some kind of martyr. What is it that I really fear? Why do I fear it? Why is it that I feel so powerless all the time? Roy spoke of me "casting seeds" in the vision that he casted for me. If there is no harm in casting seeds, why the hell does this scare the shit out of me? Why can't I hope? Am I destined for the meaninglessness experienced by Solomon who would later call the temple he built in today's passage an act of meaninglessness? All that stands of that temple today is one wall which the Jews 'wail' at. Will I be reduced to that Father? Will I be that mass of rubble blanketed in the cries of pain and misunderstanding? Am I already there?

-Depraved and Redeemed

**Editor's Note:

Tales of the Blacksmith’s Hammer Part 1: Reflections on Repentance

2008-10-16T21:13:00.001-05:00

Originally Brainstormed May 27, 2008

Passage of Significance: Romans 2

Your mercy over flows on me even when I don't feel it… especially when I don't feel it. I deserve judgment Father. Is it wrong that sometimes I wonder if I want Hell simply because this choice would allow me the inviting slavery which appears as freedom? Yes of course it is. But like so many things, I pray you would make this reality true of my heart instead of my mind alone. In the name of Christ please allow me the experience of repentance, along with a new and fresh desire for righteous and holy living. Please help me to remove the razor blades from the sweetness of your presence. Please help me not to be the Pharisee I know I currently am. Please give me the heart of Nicodemus after your resurrection. Please, more than anything else, don't let these words be confined to the pen I write them with. Please make them so much more than a waste of ink. You are not impressed with my eloquence. I want one thing only from any of this—repentance… That is not true. But please Father, help me make it so.

-Depraved and Redeemed

**Editor's Note:

Crippled Ninja = Awesome

2008-09-17T23:47:00.002-05:00

I stole this from Brant Hansen and Letters from Kamp Krusty

Larry Crabb You Make It Hurt So Good!

2008-09-04T01:34:00.003-05:00

I may have heard the best sermon of my life. Seriously, it’s top 5 easily. Thanks Larry Crabb! http://www.roymoran.com/?p=206

This Fires Me Up!

2008-08-29T00:32:00.003-05:00

http://www.theresurgence.com/the_studying_christian

'Death By Love' Promo Video

2008-08-12T01:39:00.004-05:00

Really cool video promo for Mark Driscoll's new book 'Death By Love.' It's kind of dark. Be prepared.

John Piper Once Again Kicks My Spiritual A**

2008-07-14T13:42:00.002-05:00

HOLY MOSES!

An Open Letter of Gratitude

2008-06-20T02:44:00.001-05:00

This letter is one that you will soon be getting if you gave me something after graduation. However, the sentiments apply to all of my friends, so here’s an open letter of gratitude:
My Dearest Family and Friends,
I once again have occasion to write each of you to say something I don’t say enough. That is simply I love you and your support is among the greatest blessings of my life. It is usually during times of transition that I am compelled to survey the aspects of life which consistently encourage and propel me toward the next mountain or valley which life has in store. This is certainly true of the transition surrounding my recent graduation from Northwest Missouri State University. I am sure many of you are at least mildly interested in what is appearing on the horizon of my life. And honestly I wish I could give you a clearer picture of my future, but it’s simply not available. I am trying to not get caught up in the uncertainty. However, as I’m sure many of you reading this can mark the periods of greatest ambiguity in your own lives as the moments which eventually birthed some of the deepest joys you can remember. At least this is what I would wish for you; as I’m sure you wish the same for me. This of course is much easier to write about than to live. However, I am by no means left in the darkness. I have been given many tools by which to carve out a path for myself. Many of those tools I received during my time in at college. Among them are the two bachelor’s degrees I earned while I was there. I studied journalism and philosophy inside the classroom, but I value the lessons learned outside far more than the ones which a diploma would indicate I’ve learned.
There is clearly something magical about being in an environment where the ideas which shape our world are discussed and created. My favorite part of this experience is often the casual manor in which this process takes place. I’ve found that it is often the case that the things you remember are usually written on cocktail napkins during 4 a.m. coffee breaks, not chalkboards the following morning. Clearly, I mean no disrespect to the many wonderful professors I had. They were often the ones who pushed me to the moments which were recorded flippantly on whatever scrap I could find. I guess that’s why I’m considering giving more of my life to an academic career. But at least for the summer, I’ve found a beautiful oasis which combines my loves for writing and ideas. I am currently an intern at Shoal Creek Community Church. While I’m there I get to help create media which supplements many of the ideas that float around that place. It’s rare to find work (if you can even call it that) which allows you to work on projects which communicate your ideals. So for a guy like me, who would rather wear a hot dog suit than a tie to make a buck; it’s a good spot to land for awhile. I can’t tell you what these ingredients are making, but I do know that my life wouldn’t be nearly as enriched as it is without the kindness and generosity each of you has shown me.

Thanks Again,

Aaron J. Nelson

Why I Have a Love/Hate Relationship with the Church

2008-06-03T23:46:00.002-05:00

We have much to ask forgiveness for. It is because of my absolutely asinine brothers that the Church is nose diving into oblivion. May God help us.

-Depraved yet Redeemed

My Guest Blog on Lost in Faith

2008-03-09T03:15:00.002-05:00

Here it is boys and girls:
http://www.roymoran.com/?p=118

“Broken Toys”

2008-02-20T17:49:00.000-06:00

We are the broken toys left for others to cast away
Discarded and forgotten
We are the bandages soiled

We are the tribune’s voice so others may know today
Pains of the down trodden
We are the beggars toiled

We are the seers of the black
The anticipators of its envelope
We are grace’s users

We are the martyr’s on the rack
At the end of the hangman’s rope
We are the world’s losers

We are the dreamer’s of the King’s crown
His glory tastes the sweetest in the mess
We are the captive bound

We are the steward’s clown
His dark hordes will meet us in a dress
When heaven calls us found

We are lowered through ceilings
For compassion’s meeting
The healing of our scars

We have an uncertain feeling
For our further beating
Is made right in the stars

We are the men called boys
We are the broken toys
We are the men called boys
We are the broken toys
-N.T. Cager

Three Mark Driscoll Clips I’m Fond Of

2008-02-11T15:51:00.000-06:00

A Conversation with Ben McBee

2008-01-25T21:29:00.000-06:00

*If you’re into philosophy you’ll like this dialogue. Ben McBee’s Blog can be found at:http://www.benmcbee.blogspot.com/
“Aaron,

I was thinking the other day. If one subscribes to the idea that no one can know anything, would they not have to concede that there exists a power greater than themselves that does know? If there was no greater power then there would be no way to argue that this could all be an illusion. Or else, where would the illusion come from?

Just Curious,
Ben”

Ben,
In short the answer to your question is No. I will explain. A person that holds the position called Academic Speculative Skepticism (which is what you’re describing) does not believe we can definitively know anything at all. There are two other schools within the Skepticism Movement (which dates back to the beginning of philosophy in Ancient Greece.) However, they are irrelevant for our purposes. An academic skeptic will answer literally every question you ask him about truth and knowledge with the phrase “I don’t know,” or to be more precise “I am not certain.” (This is not necessarily true of the other schools in skepticism that are more moderate in approach.) It’s important to remember that the words ‘certain’ and ‘know’ encompass 100 percent provability also known as complete justification.
Actually, the skeptics in my opinion are the smartest of all the philosophical schools because they realize unlike any other school in philosophy that the standard is impossible. Every other group in philosophy is still looking for the argument that can’t be challenged. That’s why much of philosophy quickly gets so abstract, (or to use your words “doesn’t use common sense.)”All philosophers are trying to escape from the pains of uncertainty (even if that means questioning those things that appear cut and dry.) We all look for peace in different ways. I sympathize because I know the philosopher’s anguish. That’s why I’ve begun to pursue opportunities which allow me to be used as an instrument of mental relief for the philosophical community, so that Christ may do his work in the souls of the people there with as little rebellion from their minds’ as possible. This is what apologetics is all about.
I will get off my soap box now, back to your question about the skeptics. The skeptics are the first group in history to say I will never know (remember 100 percent certainty) anything. I must act on the probability of my actions being truly correct based on all the information I have at the time that I am acting. This process is called induction in philosophy. This whole explanation hinges on the word ‘know.’ We’ve had this conversation before, but hopefully I will have explained myself with more patience this time. You are perfectly right to object that our culture has adopted definitions of the words ‘certainty’ and especially the word ‘know’ which betrays how it should be defined. This is why I get so pissed when I hear my philosophically uneducated brothers and sisters in Christ say things like ‘I know Christ rose from the dead’, or ‘I know I’m going to heaven when I die.’ Such statements cannot be proven and therefore cannot be known in the truest sense of the word .Our culture has taken the word know and made it a verbal exclamation point. For example, when Christ followers say ‘I believe unwaveringly that Christ rose from the dead based on the evidence which supports biblical claims and the effects of such a belief on my life’ he has become somehow less credible than if he had mistaking said I know (or I can prove) that Christ rose from the dead. That is what makes dealing with knowledge claims so difficult. English doesn’t do justice to the meaning of the words. Most languages have at least two different words for the concepts of knowing facts and knowing people. English does not do that. Obviously the knowledge spoken of here is the factual type. Also, the Bible tells us that the kind of certainty (or knowledge) philosophy demands will never be completely available on this side of eternity:
1 Corinthians 13:8-12 (The Message)
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good. We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
I find it incredibly intriguing that according to this passage the thing that compensates for our lack of knowledge and understanding on Earth is simply the to be loved by God and love him in return. (Agape)
I’ve set up knowledge and love here to finally come to address your question about the skeptics in the right linguistic contest. An Academic Speculative Skeptic will always answer any question about truth and knowledge with ‘I don’t know’, so he cannot be pinned to any sort of conclusions about the nature of higher powers because he goes as far as to doubt the connections which would be inherit in the language of reason. However, his position is a fun one to play with because the nature of it is one that he should not communicate with anyone or anything (including himself) because he does not know that any of it exists. So, every time he speaks or eats or engages life in any way he is reacting to something he does not trust to be real. It’s always fun to ask these people to lunch because once they’ve responded you can make jokes about everything in life being a figment of your new found friend’s imagination. Remember his imagination could be illusionary too. The things he believes to be illusionary could be true and there is absolutely know way for him to defend or deny anything except by means of probability. So you could make arguments about the probability of a higher power putting him in this hopeless fate, but that would give him a conception of a cruel God, so that would probably be a bad idea.
But I think the most powerful argument against this sort of life style is that no one actually lives like this. I read about a very famous apologist who was having a conversation in college dorm room once and ran into an Academic Speculative Skeptic. He quickly realized he could not reason with such a person, so he got up to leave. Upon leaving he unplugged the man’s boom box and began to walk out. When the man objected on the grounds that it was wrong for the apologist to take it, the apologist responded ‘How do you know?’This clearly lays out the fallacy of the position. Those are my thoughts. I hope this helps.

-Depraved and Redeemed

My Comments on the Upcoming “Everything Must Change Conference”

2008-01-19T17:50:00.000-06:00

**All of these comments appeared on Facebook in Emily Duggan’s note “Everything Must Change Conference.”
Em,
Let's have a chat about this. This guy is very controversial. I'm not sure that this is an event I would go to expecting to hear sound biblical teaching. Many of his ideas are very interesting, and should be considered and individually evaluated. If you go I would strongly suggest you go with an open but sharp mind. I must also tell you that he is a voice in the Emerg(ENT) community NOT the Emerg(ING) community (as stated above.) the Emerg(ING) community has many voice which you and I are fans of.
The main difference is the Emerg(ENT) community is one that endorses a SUBJECTIVE view of scripture—meaning that its truth is a matter of individual perspective. This leads many of the members of the Emerg (ENT) community to endorse actions which are contradictory to what the Biblical text states; for example, doctrines on the nature of homosexuality. However, it is important to realize that these two groups were once one thing. That’s why their names are similar and confusing. The Emerg (ENT) guys did that on purpose. Both camps share a common thread in reaching people for Christ in unique and imaginative ways. Both of them also hate being pinned to specific doctrines. So, you can have people in both groups who are all over the board in terms of their beliefs.
I AM IN NO WAY SAYING THAT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE SHOULD NOT GO! I AM SAYING THAT THE TEACHINGS OF BRIAN McLAREN SHOULD BE THROUGHLY INVESTIGATED AND NOT NECESSARILY TAKEN AT FACE VALUE, (all that being said, I may check it out with you.)
I would suggest you watch this video of Mark Driscoll Speaking with John Piper about the Emerg(ING) Church. They are the guys who, for the most part, will stick to an OBJECTIVE view of scripture (The text as it reads off the page can be trusted when it is not subject to anything that would cause someone to interpret incorrectly.)
-Depraved and Redeemed

Mark Driscoll Dominates Joel Osteen

2007-12-19T00:16:00.000-06:00

I'm not feeling to inspired as of late. Perhaps I will wake up tomorrow with some new thoughts, but everything is in a fog right now. Until this creative funk is over enjoy this YouTube clip of Mark "The Cussing Pastor"Driscoll of Blue Like Jazz fame taking on prosperity "gospel" giant Joel Osteen. It will give you goosebumps... Depraved and Redeemed.

A Prayer of Empathy for the Fallen Brethren

2007-10-26T15:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight I raise my glass in remembrance of the past

Of Brothers damned or broken by the enemy unspoken

Whose offer taken left us forsaken

And wishing for the King

Yet pain remains tonight a rather awful plight

Tears for those alone who recall Freedom’s throne

And wish to raise their voice in resounding choice

For that which the saints sing

Yet find their heart pains against invisible chains

Which prevent growth and leave this heart both

In confusions and sorrows waiting for no more tomorrows

For mercy’s bell to finally ring

-Anonymous

Pure Lyrical Genius

2007-10-26T14:53:00.000-05:00

I really enjoy Emery’s new album I’m Only a Man. All their writing is so creatively sound. They put the poetry back in music, and it makes me think maybe there is hope for it after all. I think I could tell my whole live story to these lyrics, at least the parts before redemption. Take a look:

“The Movie Song”

I'm the guy that dies at the beginning of the movie
I'm the one who never makes it out of the cave
It's because just when I have got everything going for me
Baby, you come around and take it all away

It's true; I would do anything for you

She asks if this is cool
(What'd you say?)
I played it like a fool
(Oh no!)
It's like I said before,
I could die tonight for just one kiss more.

On the brink, about to sink
I'm drowning baby and I can't think
Of a way to pull myself back to shore

It's your face I can't take,
And my knees are about to buckle
The same way they did
The night you walked through my door

Every time my eyes are closing there is just one word
Once it's spoken my eyes open
And I'm yours to serve

When your world tries to blow itself up from the inside
I will dig a foxhole for two
So you know that I will always be there for you
And maybe you could find a love for me too

The previous track on the album I hope my friends will play at my funeral. I don’t think there is a song which describes the spiritual journey and conflict I’ve engaged in my life better that it. Here’s that one:

“What Makes a Man a Man”

Take a look and see for yourself what makes a man
a man, and I will step back to the life I left.
Maybe you won't forget who I am.

Wake up in the middle of the night;
just don't believe everything's all right when these
thoughts are running around your head.
And it's late, so you don't really want to say goodbye,
so you just head down the stairs that lead you out.
The sound of silence is as loud as a gunshot.
"Forgive me" were the only words they read on the note you left.

Singing, oh... can't find any way out.

I wish I could live where the sea meets the land.
The ocean and I would be the best of friends.
I'd make her my own. I would float in her waves.
She would sing me to sleep as she carries me away.
Won't you carry me away?
Oh, please, carry me away.
Ocean, carry me away. You're my better half.

Singing, oh... can't find any way out.

(I don't really want to sing anymore. There's got to
be something I could live for, so just show me now.
Everyday is just another regret. It's time for me to
give it a rest and it's over now.)

John Piper and St. Augustine on Porn

2007-10-21T20:07:00.000-05:00

This is one of the most gut wrenchingly beautiful things I've seen in awhile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA4ytvPz4b0

Dumb Girl

2007-09-25T01:23:00.000-05:00

I stole this from Noah Hurst. It's another outstanding reason I try not to interact with women. It hurts so bad I want to quit life; kinda funny though.

Poop is Always Funny...

2007-09-03T19:39:00.000-05:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,295605,00.html

Lyrics to Contemplate: Blow Job in Bar

2007-08-12T02:24:00.000-05:00

Don’t laugh, this is serious. Y’all want a picture of the worthlessness of life without God? This guy is a wonderful wordsmith. He depicts human depravity without even realizing it. I don’t know his name, but the powerful lyrics of Blow Job in a Bar are printed across the screen as he sings. There are no vulgar images, but the lyrics are a little crass. But if you think about, wouldn’t you expect that? Not for the kiddos or the boss. Peace—I’m out.

P.S. This song is written by The JoeyJohn Band.

A Blacksmith a Turtle and an Owl

2007-07-26T04:43:00.000-05:00

If I could be any animal I would be an owl. They’re nocturnal; so am I. They can fly. That would be sweet. They’re fierce, and I would like to be. I think having to eat rodents is a small price to pay for being able to turn my head nearly 180 degrees. Owls are also associated with wisdom in many cultures. I would really like to be wise. Maybe that’s why I became a student and lover of reason (which is not necessarily wisdom, but it’s usually closely associated.) Unfortunately, this pursuit has in many ways rendered me more like a turtle than an owl— Fat and slow in speed; but also to believe and trust in anything outside my shell of understanding. It’s a good thing I serve a patient God willing to minister to my doubts if I believe He can. In fact, I’m being forged in them right now, by the heavenly blacksmith who fires perfect all that He touches. Someday I will emerge from these fires faithfully investigative—forever shedding the cynicism and pessimism I’m know for. Until then, be patient with me. I’m just a turtle on his shell but with the help of the blacksmith someday I’ll fly.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

God and the Drink of Choice: Or How John Eldredge Redeemed Himself and Made Me Think of Beer

2007-07-11T03:49:00.000-05:00

Dudes, (and dudetts I suppose— although, I must confess I like using masculine pronouns as gender neutral; as opposed to their often awkward sounding feminine counterparts)

I just cracked open John Eldredge’s 2003 release Waking the Dead. Although I would not always champion Eldredge’s causes, as what little I read of Captivating left me feeling hopelessly inadequate as a man contemplating both castration and becoming a priest. I did get a good laugh at the same time as I realized that even Mr. Wild at Heart could be whipped into shape by his wife. Waking the Dead only needs the constant reassurance that I don’t have to be a lumberjack to be in the will of God, and the encouragement is well worth that hassle.

And yes, for those of you wondering, I am still in the process of reading Lee Strobel’s A Case for Faith. I love it as well but for vastly different reasons. Even I, a guy who could be the world’s most emotionally inept nerd, needs a good shot of powerfully raw hope wrapped in masculinity now and then. Maybe now I will quit being such a pussy. Yeah, you’re right, probably not. But here’s to this current hope until it dies (or more accurately is silenced.)

And to think I just wrote in my journal last night about how hope only leads to disappointment. This led me to believe that the pains of pessimism were far less than those of the disappointed. I now believe that genuine followers of Christ cannot suppress hope completely, because to do so would be to suppress Christ himself. Believe me, I’ve tried both on many occasions. It doesn’t seem to work very well. I must begin to look at all opposition to life’s endeavors in two categories. Either, as the powerful work of the father of lies, or the justly disciplining hand of the Creator of reality itself. I am in awe of my ability to one, forget this simple truth, and two, to properly categorize these oppositions.

For a guy who will only be forced to use absolutes in sober judgment on an incredibly rare occasion I am amazed at Satan’s ability to use pain in order to challenge and conquer our sincerest convictions. I hate dogma with a passion rivaled by few things. The world is far to complex for there to exist too many absolutes. But yet, I found it appropriate to suggest that hope only leads to disappointment. Only is a word which describes something absolute in character. Therefore, using that logic, I can replace the word hope with disappointment. Then the Apostle Paul’s words become:

“Three things will last forever—faith, disappointment and love…” — 1 Corinthians 13:13

Does this sound like the God of Christianity to anyone? It certainly doesn’t to me. And that is a dogma I will support; an absolute that must be stood for (or sat for, for you smart asses.) So where does that leave me? It leaves me admitting to yet another spiritually drunken stupor. I’m beginning to think pain is my drink of choice as opposed to Boulevard Wheat. At least alcoholic drunkenness is temporarily pleasurable, although I wouldn’t recommend it of course. After all this talk of alcohol the Apostle Paul said it best; way better than I could:

“Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”— 1 Corinthians 13:12

So, for now I’ll continue to fight the demons in my life. And honestly so should you. But let’s be honest like we pretend to be for a second. Paul once again calls us to know ourselves:

“Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.”— Romans 12:3

I used to be very discouraged by this verse. My analytical nature can be used for the glory of God, but it also makes it hard to have the very thing we are to measure ourselves by— faith. While this gave me scriptural “proof” that even God didn’t think very highly of me. I now have come to realize that was probably a bad idea. Don’t ask me how I forgot about the entire Easter story. I don’t know. Where that takes me is an awareness of my fickle heart. This means that most of you who are more perseverant than me must rub this post in my face when I am in need. And I most assuredly will be in need.

John Piper on the Prosperity Gospel

2007-06-29T00:59:00.000-05:00

I got this from one of Roy Moran’s notes, so you might have already seen it. It’s absolutely incredible. Piper hits the nail on the head yet again. Get your Kleenexes, if this doesn’t bring a tear to your eye nothin’ will.

Three Questions from the Pendulum Shaped Heart

2007-06-27T01:56:00.000-05:00

The following is a portion of a letter I just sent to a friend a mine. It’s a pretty good representation of a place I find myself in spiritually quite a bit. In the spirit of authenticity and openness I've decided to share it with you. I pray there are no other impure motives for my sharing, but given that I’ve never been much for attention I think it will be beneficial. As always I welcome your feedback.

…I'd tell you how life is, but there are Christians getting hacked apart with machetes in Africa, Muslims using sniper techniques on Christians going to underground churches in Turkey, and a slew of other legitimate sufferings around the world. All of this is for something I won’t even incur the slightest inconvenience or embarrassment for. Anything I have to say about life right now is the idiotic ramblings from the wasted existence of a child so inconceivably spoiled his very presence forces others to immediately ask, “Is there hope for him?” If I could stop thinking I would. But there are three questions which force me to open my eyes in the morning. When will I turn in the robes of a Pharisee for the sandals of a true apostle? Is this process where I finally find the joy promised to me as a follower of Christ? And is joy something to be sought after, or is it something given by the joy giver when he is truly and appropriately sought after with pure unadulterated motives? I am leaning toward this conclusion, but I fear I will never see… if I could stay in righteous frame of mind for more than five seconds I wouldn’t have to scramble to scribble these thoughts out while it lasts... [To my friends] Thanks for loving me even though I may never be anything more than a reed tossed by the wind barely escaping the flames of Hell itself.

Stranger Than Fiction an Excellent Choice

2007-05-14T02:52:00.000-05:00

I saw Stranger Than Fiction tonight. What an excellent flick. It might be Will Ferrell’s best performance. Although, I will always be partial to his portrayal of Chazz Reihold yelling about his meatloaf at the end of Wedding Crashers. Stranger Than Fiction got me in the mood to write some good fiction. I haven’t really tried that since the seventh grade except for some short pieces for Composition 111 last fall. So, it seems at the very least I will be a little rusty. My fiction has always been pretty crappy, so more than likely this will pass under the glaze of laziness called summer. But we’ll see. Maybe it won’t take so long to finish my stuff for Hispanic Film Study…

When God Wants to Drill a Man

2007-05-12T01:18:00.000-05:00

I didn’t write this one (it’s far too good) I like it a lot though.

When God Wants to Drill a Man

When God wants to drill a man,

And thrill a man,

And skill a man

When God wants to mold a man

To play the noblest part;

When He yearns with all His heart

To create so great and bold a man

That all the world shall be amazed,

Watch His methods, watch His ways!

How He ruthlessly perfects

Whom He royally elects!

How He hammers him and hurts him,

And with mighty blows converts him

Into trial shapes of clay which

Only God understands;

While his tortured heart is crying

And he lifts beseeching hands!

How He bends but never breaks

When his good He undertakes;

How He uses whom He chooses,

And which every purpose fuses him;

By every act induces him

To try His splendor out-

God knows what He's about.

-Anonymous

The New Blog

2007-05-11T03:24:00.000-05:00

I officially have a new blog. For my old stuff you can still go to http://www.xanga.com/wheelsonsports. Tomorrow I hope to do some expanding on a book I just finished called 12 Ordinary Men. Tonight I spent most of my early morning hours designing this, so it has gotten far too late.